Writers Showcase: “Home is Where the Crazy Is” Chapter 2

Hollywood Dame is now featuring stories, poems, or essays from the talented readers. Have something you want to share? Email your submission to The Dame at HWDame@gmail.com and your work could be posted in the Writers Showcase. To start things off C.J. Bingham has graciously decided to share her first manuscript. Enjoy!

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Chapter 2

Who Ordered the Pig

“Get your finger out to of your nose Paris.”

“I gotta boogie.”

“Get your finger out of your nose.”

“No. Boogie.”

“Your nose will bite off your fingers if you stick it up there again.”

Not even five minutes into my sister’s wedding ceremony the flower girl has her finger up in snot’s canyon and the entire congregation of people are watching as I try and subtly swat the probing digits of my niece out her nose. At first it was blatant digging. Then, as I smiled and slowly pulled her finger out of her nose in the hopes the congregation wouldn’t notice, it grew into a blatant game.

I think I slightly mortified her, but she has finally refrained from mining green gold. I love my niece. However, in all honesty, I really hate children. My future entails sitting on my front porch in a rocker with my cat and making sure those little brats stay out of my garden. Knowing my mentality, instead of yelling, “You darn whippersnappers! Stay out of my petunias!” It will be more like, “Jesus, shitting Christ you mongrels! Go near my flowers again and you will feel the wrath my garden hose. Oh, and Santa isn’t real and neither is the Easter Bunny.”

Yes, I will be crotchety and I will still swear like a sailor until the day I die. However, in my defense I am fair. I will give those pesky children several warnings before I unveil the truth of Santa just to be cruel. My niece is well aware that my fuse is short and has become accustomed to taking everything as a mere joke.

To Finish Reading “Home is Where the Crazy Is” Chapter 2, Cick “Read More…”

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Shawn Johnson Dead – Video

Here is your WTF?!? of the day. It’s a bit sick in my opinion, especially when the host talks about her hindquarters and her father talks about breeding her.


Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

Today Now! did a spoof on gymnast Shawn Johnson being euthanized after breaking her leg. Equating her to a horse, they talk about her injury and having put down. I hope they took home some decent bank for doing this.

Funny or Stupid?

CMT Awards 2009 Full Winners List, Photos and Video

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For those country girls and you sexy cowboys with your taught jeans and penchant for being dirty and sweaty….focus Cara…focus. For those who enjoy the country music genre, the 2009 CMT Awards took place last night.

The Country Music Television awards featured the hottest of what’s around in country. Taylor Swift and Brad Paisley dominated the night. Swift’s “Love Story” won 3 accolades including video of the year. Paisley also took home 3 CMT Awards thanks to a collaboration with Keith Urban and a second group effort for “Country Boy.”

[Taylor Swift and T-Pain ‘Thug Story’ CMT Awards 2009]

Bill Engvall hosted the evening’s events and started things off with a sketch featuring the rapper T-Pain and country sweetheart, Taylor Swift turned T-Swizzle. Their spoof revamped “Love Story” and changed the song to “Thug Story.” (Indeed, the creative force behind this is mind blowing.)

2009 CMT Awards Full Winners List

*Video of the year: Taylor Swift, “Love Story.”
*Male video: Brad Paisley, “Waitin’ on a Woman.”
*Female video: Taylor Swift, “Love Story.”
*Group video: Rascal Flatts, “Every Day.”
*Duo video: Sugarland, “All I Want to Do.”
*Breakthrough video: Zac Brown Band, “Chicken Fried.”
*Collaborative video: Brad Paisley with Keith Urban, “Start a Band.”
*Performance of the year: Alan Jackson, George Strait, Dierks Bentley and Brad Paisley, “Country Boy.”
*Wide open country video: Kid Rock, “All Summer Long.”
*Video director of the year: Trey Fanjoy for Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.”

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Images Via: Getty, Wenn

David Letterman Apologizes – Video

Late night talk show host David Letterman has issued a public apology to Alaska governor Sarah Palin and her family after a week long feud stemming from a sexual natured joke about one of Palin’s daughters getting “knocked up” during the seventh inning of a Yankees game.

Per People:

“I told a bad joke,” Letterman said during the taping of Monday’s show. “I told a joke that was beyond flawed, and my intent is completely meaningless compared to the perception. It’s not your fault that it was misunderstood, it’s my fault,” Letterman said, getting applause from the audience. “So I would like to apologize, especially to the two daughters involved, Bristol and Willow, and also to the governor and her family and everybody else who was outraged by the joke. I’m sorry about it and I’ll try to do better in the future. Thank you very much.”

He claims that his intended target was 18 year old Bristol Palin, saying he went as far as to make sure she was of legal age before making the joke, without realizing that it was actually Palins’ 14 year old daughter Willow who had accompanied her mother to the game instead. Palin and her husband Todd responded quickly to the joke, calling the comments “sexually perverted.” However, this morning Palin has accepted Lettermans’ apology.

Jeesh, lighten up people. In his joke he never mentioned the daughter by name so whos fault really is it to have assumed he meant the younger one? It was just a joke – one that he has since apologized for, so just let it go and move on. There are far more important issues to be worried about.

No One Wants to Buy Gisele Bundchen

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Vanity Fair and Harper’s Bazaar each had their worst selling issues when they featured Gisele Bundchen on their covers. Both magazines suffered a huge dip in single sales and were the worst of the year. Vanity Fair took a huge hit after featuring Bundchen on the cover. A wimpy 280,000 copies were bought which was the lowest sale for the magazine in 2 years. It come as a bit of surprise to the editors. In September of 2007 Gisele was in the top 3 best selling issues for the year.

Per Observer:

“It might be that she’s losing her looks,” quipped Vanity Fair spokeswoman Beth Kseniak.

Ouch. Bitter must be the new black.

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Images Via: Vanity Fair, Harpers Bazaar

Miley Cyrus BJ Photos Surface

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OK pervs of the world, we get it: you can photoshop and you have too much time on your hands. If you spent as much time looking for a girlfriend, you wouldn’t be kickin’ it in your parents’ basement using their computer to make it look like a 16 year old is handing out BJ’s.

Yes kittens, the internet is a buzz this morning as alleged pictures of Disney tween-princess, Miley Cyrus performing oral sex have leaked. Miley is the new ‘Deep Throat’…and we don’t mean she’s exposing the wrong-doings of a president.

Via The Post Chronicle:

“Cyrus, who has been in and out of media spotlight for her risqué sexual behavior and sexy cell phone photos, might be the girl shown in a photo of someone performing oral sex.”

Not buying it. It is so badly photoshopped it’s pathetic. Head over to The Paparazzi’s and they will show you how it was done.

In all honesty, would it surprise us if Miley photographed herself singing into the bonophone? I would be more shocked if Paris Hilton got out of a car wearing both panties AND a turtleneck.

See the shopped photo of ‘Miley Cyrus’ after the cut. Click “Read More…”

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Lindsay Lohan Investigated By Police For Jewel Theft

Lindsay Lohan

There is never a dull – or legal, for that matter – moment in this girls life! Lindsay Lohan was in London recently for a photo shoot with Elle magazine when she allegedly took off with $45,000 worth of jewels that were on loan from a local jeweler.

Per Holy Moly:

“She kept going on about the jewels asking if she could have them. We all thought she was joking!” according to the source.

After the photo shoot, the jewelers realized their items were missing and promptly contacted the magazine bosses who insisted they had no knowledge of what happened to the missing loot. Both the editors and jewelers then spent the next two weeks trying to get in touch Lohan, but she left the U.K. last week without so much of a simple returned phone call. Because of her unresponsiveness on this, the matter was handed over to British police late last week and is now being investigated.

This is by far the first time Lohan has played ‘sticky finger’ with others’ property. Louis Vuitton bosses reportedly refuse to deal with her anymore after she repeatedly walked off with goods from past photo shoots. Rumor has it that she has supposedly yanked one too many products from their shoots to the point that they’ve blacklisted her.

Per Holy Moly via NYPost:

“Louis Vuitton had sent over some samples for her to wear in the shoot. Lindsay kept shoving the clothes into her bag, and a stylist’s assistant kept getting them out of the bag, only to have Lindsay keep trying to take them. She ended up walking off with a very expensive shirt and some other items – which screwed Louis Vuitton because they were set to go to Vogue, W, and Harper’s Bazaar for other shoots. They were furious and kept trying to get their clothes back, but . . . Lindsay walked out with them and never returned calls.”

Lohan was also caught up in a fur fiasco after allegedly taking home a Russian student’s $11,000 mink coat from a New York club last year. Owner Masha Markova claimed Lohan straight up stole her coat as she was leaving the private party. Lindsay first denied it, but was later caught red handed when a photograph of her wearing the stolen property was published in a magazine. After threatening legal action the coat was quickly returned to her.

As of right now, there is no official confirmation from the police regarding Linday’s involvement as of yet, but you can sure when there is we will be one of the first to gloat about it. Rehab, alcohol & drug abuse, stalking Samantha Ronson around London, and now felony theft… Wow. And at only 22 years of age. Quite the role model, huh?

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Images Via: X17

Megan Fox Takes Credit for ‘Making’ Olivia Wild

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I am sure this was just the “mountain wine” talking, but Megan Fox pretty much takes credit for making Olivia Wild hot and relevant.

While speaking with Nova 100 (a radio show filled with sexy accents) she was asked about her lesbian tendencies and Olivia Wild.

“Nova 100: Who is Olivia Wild?
Megan Fox: You know. I like to think that I made her because I did a GQ, I did GQ U.S. issue last year and in it I talked about, you know they were asking me about everyone obsessed about me being a lesbian or whatever. And I was talking about how outrageously attractive I find her. She’s gives a lesbian vibe. She’s married, but I am trying to snake my way in there.”

Who doesn’t know 13 from “House” or Alex from the “O.C.” or Jenny from the “Black Donnelly’s”?

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Images Via: GQ

Rihanna and Chris Brown Sex Tape Hit’s the Net

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Supposedly the rumored Rihanna and Chris Brown sex tape has finally surfaced after months of rumors. A small snippet from the video shows a Rihanna looking woman engaging in bedroom activities. It is of course shot in Paris Hilton’s signature night vision sex tape style.

The leak promises the rest of the footage June 22nd. It appears fake and could be the work of a someone with talent for editing and a video camera. You can see the video here at The Superficial.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag Get Owned by Al Roker – Video

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Two of the biggest wastes of space hit the Today Show and were bent over by Al Roker for behaving like 5 year olds with decent bank accounts.

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Typically I don’t like to post anything on these two because (a) it is a waste of my time and (b) they don’t deserve it. However, I find it amusing that Roker must have drawn the short straw and had to interview these two morons. He clearly wasn’t thrilled with it and you could tell he was over it. After being owned by Al, Heidi was crying about it because that’s the extent of her talents.

Per Ryan Seacrest:

“I was shocked at how rude he was – I was crying afterwards because I couldn’t believe I felt personally attacked,” said Montag. “I wanted to say to him, do you feel proud of how you’re talking to me right now? I’m just a young woman and you’re coming at me so aggressively and meanly [sic] and mean-spirited.”

“I just wanted to talk about the show and my experience there and how fun it was, and he just made it a very uncomfortable and awful experience,” said Montag. “I really would advise women especially to be careful around him because I feel like he definitely came and attacked me and I did not appreciate that at all.”

Al Roker is my hero for the day. He also Roker Twittered his feelings that Speidi will soon be a thing of the past.

Quotables:

Bumpshack – “Heidi was probably just upset that Al kept giving her his ‘Roker Face, Roker Face.’