Project Runway Season 6 Episode 1 Recap - Hot Mess Hell
Huzzah! It’s FINALLY here. The much anticipated return of “Project Runway” hath cometh.
Enter token gay man Ra’mon. Logan looks like Chase from “House.” Johnny opens by talking about his meth addiction and how it kept him from several past seasons. Gordana has big accent ya, hahaha! Malvin has a fluffy muff on his head and we move on to Qristyl, who is not a stripper as her name suggests, but a purveyor of plus size clothes she deems “plus sexy.” I have a feeling we are going to be kindred spirits or mortal enemies.
A little brunette pops out from a cab and I hate her powdered sugar personality already. Her name is Shirin and means “sweet.” She has nice hair though. Nina is going to make this little girl her bitch. Nicolas is going to be all queeny as he is bragging about his dress making Vogue and his bio vid shows a horrid body suit/silver body condom he created. Mitchell looks like he should be working at Pizza Hut, but insists he knows how to dress a woman.
Holy shiz! It’s Bob Marley! Nope it’s some guy named Epperson who the glance over as another queen has entered the room. Christopher is from Minnesota and everyone giggles because he might as well have announced himself as a drag queen with a penchant for tractor pulls.
Ari is Sam Ronson’s feminine side embodied. Her first words “Hello fabric, what would you like me to make you into today!?” Seriously…if Winona Ryder and Sam mated this would be the result. She also wants to make you a tacky jacket that you could “go into a tent that would also have water purification systems and you’d be comfortable in it.” What? Seriously…keep her away from Johnny otherwise they will be sharing meth stories and giggling in the pantry while eating all the Fruit Loops while Dr. Drew does a cross over show and helps them put the crack pipe down.
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Althea Harper is a glamazon from Ohio with a big blonde who the glance over and Irina and her little dog scare me. Louise walks in no one cares and Carol describes her fair collection and talks about how dumb she is. Sweet chiffon, shut her up.
TIM GUNN!!! Heidi Klum is there too. They are all on the roof to kick it with Tim and Heidi. They are schmoozing on the roof. Snooze. Where are the cars they need to strip and turn into cocktail gowns for Tyra Banks?
The next morning they are at the red carpet of the Emmy awards. First challenge is a boring red carpet look. Please tell me they have to craft the dresses out of sheet metal or latex. I miss Parsons as they are in a cold old school room looking place. Ari is standing on her head because she is too feng shui to sketch. She is hunting for “weird bulbous tessellation form” because weird and bulbous is how you want to be described at a red carpet event.
Oooo! Girl! Qristyl is ripping fabric at Mood because there is no one to cut for her. Kindred spirits it is. We have our first cryer as Ra’mon describes his red carpet design wet dreams. Mitchell never misses Ryan Seacrest special and Johnny is back and forth on his design ideas. Again with his addiction. He is blabbing about his methy times again and I couldn’t care less. He is choking and leaves the room for a NAP!?!???
He is now crying and hasn’t even gotten a swatch ready and he is ready to quit. Chesus Crust. Someone get him some Midol. Here we go with more addiction blabbing and Tim Gunn is trying to get him to put the big boy underpants on. Tell him saddle up and ride off into the sunset. Of course he doesn’t. Tim gives him a verbal cookie and hug. UGH.
Johnny wakes up still high on Tim Gunn and decides to sack up. The others are whining because they never got to go to design school. Is this “Project Runway: Sappy Underachievers Edition”????
Tim is critiquing and I LOVE this part. He is looking at Ari’s silver honeycomb halter creation and giving her the “I won’t get attached because you will be back at the Cirque du Soleil before you can say catwalk road kill.” HA! He called it a halter diaper. HA! That’s my Timmy.
All these designers are 7 different kinds of stupid. Ra’mon wants to sculpt a “big butt” into the dress because big asses are also a hot commodity for a Tone Loc video…I mean red carpet. Mitchell is crafting a dress for an outdoor production of “Romeo and Juliet.” Tim is internally questioning their sanity and smacking his head against a wall.
Poor Qristyl has managed to recreate a reject prom dress from “The Cosby Show.” A bright red satin dress is exploding a rainbow from the ass end. Oh honey…no. Tim is literally speechless in a your screwed type of way.
It’s the next morning and the ladies are having girl talk. Irina is trying to say something nice about her concept of wearing a hood on the red carpet. Mitchell’s model is way bigger than her measures said she was. He is basically left with a toilet brush cozy to dress his model in. He has a nude model.
Here we go…
Linday Lohan pops out and is the first guest judge. Why? Crack whores are cheap y’all.
Althea’s - SAFE
Gordana’s - SAFE
Malvin- SAFE
Mitchel- Bitches about his model measurements. Nina is still on downers and praises him. Kors calls it a night gown. It is shear enough to see her belly button.
Louise - SAFE
Christopher - Heidi likes it, hates the color of the dirty white material, Kors is glowing (fake tanner) and calls it cute and edgy. Nina blah blah, Lohan says ruffles are fug.
Ra’mon- Each of them likes it, calls it too safe
Shirin - SAFE
Epperson-SAFE
Irina - SAFE
Ari - WTF is this shiz??? Kors says it’s a disco soccer ball. Lohan wouldn’t wear this despite the Ronson doppelganger shilling it to her. Nina must be on downers as she is glassy eyed and doesn’t say one nasty thing. Humph.
Johnny - Nina likes it, despite the front looking like a muumuu. Lohan does honor the meth heads code and doesn’t like the color. Heidi wants to see it in black.
Carol- SAFE
Qristyl- Lohan loves it but Heidi calls it a mess. Kors says “she is going to get killed by the tabloids” and the rainbow explosion has moved to the front.
Logan- SAFE
Nicolas - SAFE
Christopher wins the challenge. He squees and gushes about his lack of formal education and knocking them down. Ari and Mitchel are the only two left. Ari is axed and Lindsay Lohan taps her fingers together maniacally.
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