Completely ‘Lost’: LA X Recap and Spoilers

Oh. My. ‘Lost.’

It’s back kids, and it was absolutely amazing, no? This morning, I have already been bombarded with emails from people complaining about it. There are always these people. Interestingly enough-it’s always the same people.

You know these people. They try to kill what you love. They are likely the people that would make their kids watch as they flushed their dead fish down the toilet on the grounds that, “it teaches the kid a lesson.”

It’s OK. ‘Lost’ needs you. You keep coming back. You want to argue about how the show is predictable and not as good as it was. With that, I want to remind you that it was you who kept complaining that nothing was getting answered.

You’re just never happy, are you?

For the rest of us, ‘Lost’ was bliss. It was enjoyable. It was another one of those nights that I stayed up too late and then couldn’t go to sleep because my head was spinning. I love those nights though I will complain today about how tired and cranky I am.

So what did we get? Some answers? Yes. More questions? Always. And now we are left with two possible futures: Jack’s plan worked or Jack’s plan failed. Certainly, one can assume that we will learn which fate prevails when the series ends all too soon. But what makes me happy is that, in the end, it was JACK’S plan. Not Sawyer’s. Not Locke’s. And certainly not that load of a being we call Kate’s. Jack’s. My boo.

Let’s take a look at ‘LA X’, shall we? (First note: Notice there’s a space between LA and X?)

Future #1: We made it!

This section starts off with Jack back in his seat on the fated Oceanic flight 815. He’s getting his drink on when Cindy, the flight attendant gives him a freebie. I would like to give him a freebie too. We’ve seen this. We’ve seen Cindy. Remember, she took off with the kids. Ah, the kids-we’ll get to them later.

Jack starts the same convo with Rose when the turbulence hits. However, this time it passes, and all is well.

Rose tells Jack to “let go” which obviously is full of significance. I hope he let’s go and uses his free hand to grab my boob.

Yes, I know. In the first episode, this entire conversation was vice versa. It was Jack calming Rose. Things have changed. This is what Doc Jensen over at Entertainment Weekly is calling, “Sideways World.”

Bernard returns from the toilet and they’re all in love. We get it. Rose + Bernard = 4 EVA. Then we splash through the ocean, past Spike (my new name for Dharma shark) to see the four-toed statue on the bottom of the Pacific.

All I notice about this is the inert lameness of the graphics. C’mon. This show has got cash. This montage looks like I made it on my Mac which I still don’t know how to use. Is it bad purposefully?

Jack then runs into the Marshal (who we learn has a name, not that it matters) who is waiting for Kate to get out of the bathroom. Jack doesn’t notice her handcuffs, though it would like turn him on if he had seen them.

When Jack returns guess who’s in the seat next to him? Desmond. Brotha? For reals? What the hell? WTF? Des would NOT be on this plane. I don’t get it. Jack, however, recognizes him. They met while running their cute behinds off at UCLA once. I remember. I still have dreams about that. Doesn’t matter, as Des disappears shortly thereafter and Jack can’t find him anywhere on the plane. Now, my head hurts.

Sawyer also runs into the Marshal who gets all bully-on-the-playground tough with him. Sawyer notices Kate as well. Honestly, they live in LA. There are plenty of hot chicks that aren’t complete loads.

Back at Sawyer’s seat, he sees Doc Art (HOLLA!) talking to Hurley about winning the lottery and buying Mr. Cluck’s . Hurley says something about being lucky.

This doesn’t sit well with me. I like poor, confused, likely suicidal Hurley. He calms me. Hurley should not be confident. Does that makes me sounds pretty bitchy?

Next we see Locke and Boone conversing on the plane. Your heart melted a little, admit it. I know they were talking about who they were, and, if the plane crashed, how they would survive and how Boone would stick with Locke. But I honestly didn’t pay much attention.

No, I was busy first thanking God that Shannon wasn’t there. You heard my prayers and now, per our agreement, I am off to work with the lepers.

Secondly, I started mourning the relationship between these two-how devastated Locke was when Boone died, especially. So sad. I miss this.

I guess I should touch on the fact that Locke tells Boone he participated in the Walkabout. We know that, originally, they wouldn’t let him. He could be lying, but he could also be telling the truth. I mean, Hurley’s now lucky, right?

What now? Oh Lord. We need a doctor. And look, Jack is happy to oblige. I love you Jack. You’re still my favorite. I don’t care what they say.

We can easily figure that it is Crack head Charlie who has locked himself in the bathroom to get his smack-on.

Yet the door is jammed. No worries. We have resident badass Sayid here. He comes out of nowhere, when you need him most, to kick open the door and assist Jack.

Today’s math lesson:

Sayid = Ninja = Love. Mad Love.

It’s a trifecta. Pythagorean Theorem and stuff.

Continue Reading Completely ‘Lost’: LA X Recap and Spoilers After the Cut. Click “Read More…”

Yet Jack saves Charlie by pulling his bag of smack out of his throat. If I had a nickel for every time I had to do this…

I can’t help but remember when Ethan hung Charlie on the island in order to kidnap Claire. Jack saved Charlie then as well. Was Sayid there? If not, he should have. The scene would have been better.

But Charlie is Charlie. He’s ungrateful. He has to go to the pokey now where he will likely be forced to sing, “You All Everybody,” over and over for a large man named Sandy.

What strikes me as odd is how Charlie tells Jack that he was supposed to die. This makes me remember when Desmond could see the future, could see Charlie die. He kept trying to save him over and over until they both realized he was supposed to die.

After the po-po escort Charlie off the plane, we watch our loves exit. They’re safe, they’re home. I am sad. Locke and Boone shake, Sayid looks at a pic of Nadia, Jin, looks at his watch (FYI-mean Jin is so NOT sexy), Kate’s there but I stopped paying attention to her, and then-as it should-Locke and Jack exchange a glance and a nod.

I miss Jack and Locke. I miss them testing one another. I miss them leading everyone. I want them back on the island. I am sure this is some kind of twisted sexual thing. Whatever. I miss it.

While waiting at customs, Jack is paged and is told Oceanic has lost his father coffin and all. Lesson? Carry-ons only. Never check bags. They lost Locke’s knives too. This disappoints the fantasy that I had that Sayid would snatch the bag of knives from wheel-chair Locke , go rogue, and slash someone for fun. Hiss.

Speaking of rogue, Kate at this point tries to get out of her cuffs and beats the crap out of the Marshal. Seriously? We’re supposed to believe that this chick, who checks in at a buck ten maybe, is able to take down a US Marshal in a ladies restroom, uninterrupted at the nation’s busiest airport? Uh huh.

I did find it interesting that the Marshal’s head gets hit and bloody in the exact same spot that it did if the plane had crashed. There are some parallels, no?

So Kate runs off and gets on an elevator with Sawyer who notices her cuffs, but is also turned on and says nothing when the TSA also get on the same elevator. Was I the only one yelling, “TURN HER IN!!!” Seriously, Kate is a DRAG!!!

After being spotted, she hijacks a cab with Claire in it. Big deal. Is she still prego? We couldn’t see. I need to hear her say BAY-BEEE some more for me to be happy with her return.

Jin and Sun are at customs. Jin speaks no English and, to stereotype Americans everywhere, the customs officers take that as a sign that they should speak to Jin louder. After finding a wad of cash, they drag mean Jin off and Sun plays dumb. Who wouldn’t? As I have said, mean Jin is the un-sexy.

This portion ends with Jack and Locke meeting up at the Oceanic office to discuss their lost luggage. Locke gets all spiritual telling Jack that all that was lost was his father’s body-thus reminding us that Locke is a man of faith. Jack offers to give Locke a “freebie” and fix him (his quote: Nothing is irreversible.) and gives him his card-thus reminding us that he is a man of science. We get it already.

Future #2: Oh crap, not this again

In our alternate future, Kate awakens in a tree and is deaf. Too bad she isn’t mute. Yes, yes, I remember Charlie being deaf after Desmond turned the fail-safe key. And yes, this looks like the scene after Des did just that.

Long story short, they’re all there: Sawyer, Jack, Miles, Hurley, Jin, Sayid, and Kate.

Sawyer is pissy because Heaving Breasts (Juliet) is dead. He blames Jack. Too bad you aren’t Jack, Sawyer, because then I might actually believe you could take him out.

Though Jack apologizes, I am fine. I need not to see Jules heaving her chest anymore and calling Sawyer James. It was all bull…wait. What was that? Seriously? She’s alive?! Oh, and under all the metal. Give me a break.

While everyone with muscles tries to pull the doomed Jules from the rubble, Sayid-you know, the guy who actually does something-is bleeding to death.

Sayid is trying to talk to Hurley about dying. I resolve that if he dies, ‘Lost’ sucks balls, and I am not watching it anymore (blog note: this statement comes from me every episode).

Don’t worry, dead Jacob shows up and tells Hurley (Hugo) to take Sayid to the temple that only Jin has seen. Sure Jake. No worries.

Jacob is sad about Sayid. ME TOO! He tells Hurley to remember the guitar case when he goes to the temple. Jin shows up then, loads Sayid, and drives off to help excavate Juliet. Can’t we just let her die? Jacob wasn’t sad about her.

Sawyer and Jules have a moment. It’s supposed be sad. Do you know what’s sad? Sad is letting Sayid bleed to death while you get your love fix. She tells Sawyer she has something to tell him. She dies, however, before she tells him. I am sure it was that she had herpes.

Sawyer and Miles take off to bury Jules. This is purposeful as Sawyer has decided to exploit Miles’s ability to talk to the dead to find out what Jules wanted to tell him. Herpes…herpes…herpes….Nope. She wanted to tell him that “it worked.” Of course it did. It was Jack’s idea.

Hurley tells Jack that he will save Sayid. This is the guy whose best friend ate checkers. Great.

The rest arrive at the temple where Kate, always the asset to any adventure, takes off on her own so Jack can chase after her.

Naturally, they are all kidnapped by the “whispering” voices and taken outside to a HUGE temple that is run by a very mean-looking Japanese man who doesn’t like the way English tastes on his tongue. Please. Have you eaten sushi?

His translator, a hippie who I remember seeing on Deadwood, orders the other “others” to shoot our loves. Hurley saves the day and presents them with the guitar case from Jacob that contains an Ankh: the symbol for eternal life.

Confused?

Suddenly, Mr. Miagi breaks it to reveal a hidden piece of paper with the names of all our loves upon it. Thank goodness!

Remember the “list?” Back when the kids and other people were getting snatched by the others, it was because they were on a “list”. We can assume that this list is somehow similar. I want to be on the list. I don’t know why, but I do.

Speaking of the kids…they’re there! They’re alive! They don’t seem to have grown, though Cindy’s hair has and she looks like ass. The kids made me sad though. They didn’t look happy, they looked more like servants.

Oh well. Dying Sayid is then dragged to a pool full of dirty water where he is drowned while Mr. Miagi looks at an hourglass running out of sand. Though our loves protested, no one did anything and Sayid was declared dead. GAME OVER LOST! This is pure BS. Kill Juliet. Kill Locke even. But leave Sayid the hell alone.

Hurley mentions that Jacob is dead and the hippies freak out. They start pouring the ashes everywhere and light some chincy homemade firework to warn everyone.

Our friends, well, they seem resolved. They don’t seem to care that the end is near. Sayid is dead, so they know they don’t stand a chance in hell of fighting anything or anyone off. HE BREAKS NECKS WITH HIS FEET!

Wait-what? What is that? SAYID!!! Sayid rises from the grave and asks what’s up. I LOVE ‘LOST’!

Meanwhile, as our loves were in the Temple of Doom, Ben, unLocke (as I will call him), etc. were still hanging by the statue.

In case you forgot, unLocke conned Ben into killing Jacob. The end.

Now, Ben’s all freaked while unLocke cleans his knife and gets super creepy (note: he’s cleaning the knife—remember when Richard visited kid Locke and asked him to choose the thing that belonged to him? Was it the knife he chose to which Richard got mad and left? If so, now we know why. The knife is unLocke’s. Not Locke’s.).

Ben tries to lie to Richard to get him in the statue but suddenly, no one is buying Ben’s lies and Richard man-handles him and throws him down next to dead Locke. Got it?

Ben’s still freaked and, to me at least, it was really, really weird to see Ben weak. However, the way he is behaving leads me to one of my revelations which I will get to later.

Enter the Hardcores: these are the people with the guns who brought dead Locke’s body to Richard. They enter the statue. This only makes unLocke mad who FINALLY reveals himself as the smoke monster (“I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” –one of Lost’s best lines ever). He kills everyone. Yea, one dude pours the ashes around himself. It only made unLocke madder.

Notice who he left alive? Ben. That’s right. He leaves Ben. Why? He can use Ben. He can still manipulate him. How? Because that is what he has been doing all along.

Here my revelation: Remember when Ben got upset that Locke met Jacob? He was mad that he had worked for Jacob all these years without ever seeing him. You know why? Because he wasn’t working for Jacob, he was working for unLocke-Man in Black-Smokey. Whoever, whatever.

This means there are two groups of others. Those who were with Ben are not good. They may not realize it, but they are actually following unLocke.

Group two are those at the Temple. They were on the “list” from Jacob. They are good, which is why our friends are there.

After knocking Richard and his eyebrows to the ground, unLocke carries him off into the next episode, and we’re left with…..?

-More questions

-A few answers

-A sideways world

-Mass confusion

But this is good. Lainey Gossip said it best: ‘Lost’ is an event. You cannot do anything while watching ‘Lost’. If you do, it’s a sign that you can’t keep up, you don’t understand, and you’re probably emailing me. So, for all of you that hate ‘Lost’ now-good. You are welcome to stop watching…if you can.

Question: One of my oldest, dearest friends messaged me first thing this morning about Sayid. Do you think it’s him? was his question. I am going to assume he means, is Sayid still himself, or, has Jacob taken over Sayid’s body the way Smokey moved into unLocke’s? I think we will know next week. In actuality, as long as Sayid is there, I could care less. Unless, of course, new Sayid likes to beat people up without this shirt on.