AHHHHH!!!!

There’s my quick summary of last night’s new episode of ‘Lost’ entitled ‘The Substitute.’

I have always-ALWAYS-loved Locke-centric episodes of ‘Lost’. Really. Despite Jack being my favorite character, there is just something about Locke and his back-story that made me love him. However, after ‘The Substitute’, I am a little torn.

I understand that only part of it was really about John Locke, while the other half was about the infamous man-in-black who I affectionately refer to as UnLocke. However, that didn’t really change the feeling of slight disappointment that I have this morning.

Coming off a truly crappy Kate-centric episode last week (i.e. ‘What Kate Does’) ‘Lost’ had nowhere to go this week but up. It was better than last week? Yes! By leaps and bounds. But, so far this season have we matched any episode as great as some of those in the past (I’m thinking everything from all of season one, to ‘The Constant’ to ‘The Incident’ even)? Clearly the answer is no-not even close.

However, as I sit back and watch friends decide they are done, I am not going that far. I have to have faith (yea, that was totally in reference to Locke being a man of faith) that we will get answers. However, part of me is starting to wonder if any of them will come prior to May 23rd’s finale.

And S-you had better be wrong about a movie. Groan.

Let’s recap what happened and see if we can figure out if we learned something that I am just not seeing.

Wheel in the Sky

In alternate future world, Locke arrived with all the other 815ers safely in Los Angeles. At the beginning of the episode, we see Locke arrive home in his kick-ass Astro Van, only to have his wheelchair lift quit on him while he’s in the midst of getting out of the van.

Naturally, he decides to jump for it. C’mon-this isn’t far-fetched people, he’s JOHN LOCKE. He’s certainly not going to ask anyone for help.

As expected, he falls flat on his face and the sprinklers turn on, adding insult to injury.

Never fear, in alternate future world, Peg Bundy (yes, I know her name is Helen. But she will now and forever be Peg Bundy to me) is still with Locke. She recues him and all is well.
Maybe all is well on the show, but not with me. My husband was quick to point out that, when we learned of Locke’s past via his flashbacks, Helen left him prior to his 815 flight. Yet now, for some reason unbeknownst to us, she is still with him.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for Locke, but does he really seem that different? What we learned this week about Locke is that, if the plane doesn’t crash, he’s still the same old curmudgeon he was before landing on the island: wants know help, refuses to believe he’s in a wheelchair, doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do, etc. So why on earth is Helen still there? Someone explain it to me please!!!

We learn right away that Locke has lied to pretty much everyone about his true intent of going to Australia. Apparently, the cardboard box company fitted his bill to attend some awesome cardboard box conference is Sydney (Dammit! I need a new career). He’s also told the same lie to Helen.

Whatever.

After doing her womanly duty of snooping through his stuff, Helen comes upon Dr. Jack’s card and inquires with Locke about it. He passes it off as nothing more than a super hot doctor who looks awesome in the shower, being nice to him. She, of course, tells him that it’s destiny. Yes Helen! Jack Shepherd is destiny. Sigh….

Locke resumes his post as cubicle drone for good old Randy. Ah Randy! How we missed you. So glad to see you’re still sporting those incredibly 8th grade looking face pubes. You’re the best.

Just as in the past, Randy fires Locke. Only this time it’s because Locke has lied about going to Sydney. What I didn’t like was how willing Locke was to piss away the vacation time he needed in October to marry Helen. It was like he didn’t even care. Sad.

After gathering his things and participating in the roll-of-shame out of the office building, Locke finds himself unable to get into his kick-ass Astro van because the door is blocked by some d-bag in a Hummer.

And that D-bag, kids, is Hurley of course. I had almost forgotten that Hurley bought the box company Locke worked for.

After exchanging unpleasantries with Hurley, Hurley apologizes, calls Randy a douche, and gives Locke the address of a temp agency that he owns. Hurley is a baller in the alternate future, no?

Locke and his attitude arrive at the temp agency where he simply refuses to reveal the animal he sees himself relate to the most (BOAR!!!! I believe Locke said it himself once, or something about how much he respected the boar before killing it and gutting it and, well, you remember).
Naturally Locke does not want to talk to this silly woman because she is not connected to him via flight 815. So, enter Rose-her supervisor. We have Rose’s connection to Jack, Hurley (he’s her Boss), and Locke in place. What does this mean? Absolutely NOTHING so far.

After Locke cops a tude with her, she gives him her sob story – she still has terminal cancer. Now shut-up and let’s get you a job. Quit your belly-achin’ as my old man would say.

Back at home, the now tudeless Locke contemplates whether or not to call Dr. Jack. Please Locke, call him. This episode is starting to kill me and I could use a little Dr. Jack hotness right about now.

However, he’s interrupted by Helen and he has a breakdown. The end. Whatever. I was bored and I am so not interested in overly-emotional John Locke.

At the end, we see Rose has landed Locke a gig as a substitute teacher (my condolences). He seems more at home in his job-if you remember, Locke was a bit of a science geek in high school. Side note: hey bio teacher—super sweet of you to skip out on the sex-ed lesson. Well-played.

After venturing to the teacher’s lounge (which, FYI, NO ONE hangs in the teacher’s lounge now that you can no longer smoke in them), we hear a man complaining about coffee. Really. Did he need to be turned around? Like we wouldn’t know that voice? Yeppers. It’s Ben. So Ben’s alive in the alternate future and torturing children in the greater LA area with his mad European History skills (KP-you totally freaked right? I did).

Behind the Boathouse…I’ll Show You My Dark Secret

Things on the island we not much more interesting. This was unfortunate. I am really trying my best to dig unLocke and everything, but you gotta give me something writers. Sweaty UnLocke wandering around with Sawyer? BORING! And Sawyer is wearing a shirt. Stop it!

So the island portion begins with the Smoke Monster moving around the island. He happens upon Dharmaville where he hears some righteous Iggy Pop playing, does a quick scan, and –I’m guessing- sees drunk, half naked Sawyer drinking away is problems.

He returns to the forest where he has Richard and his lovely eyebrows up in a tree. The two talk some nonsense about Locke being a “candidate” for something (yea, I will get to it later). unLocke tries to get Richard and his eyebrows to side with him which he won’t. Suddenly, a boy with bloody hands appears. Of course. Because this makes sense.

Richard nor his eyebrows can see the kid, but UnLocke makes a run for it and loses him. Quickly, I began speculating who the kid is: Is it Zack? Is it kid Sawyer? Is it the paperboy? Because that a-hole keeps throwing my paper in the snow.

You know who the kid is? No one. It doesn’t matter. Unless UnLocke runs into Dr. Jack showering himself in this jungle I am no longer interested. Thank you.

Back at the statue, Ben reveals some truth to the Poor Man’s Ana Lucia (PMAL)who is obviously upset that her friends and Jacob are dead. Naturally though, he lies and blames Jacob’s death on UnLocke. No worries Ben. I would have done the same. That bitch is crazy.

Outside the statue, PMAL tells Sun and the rest to get a move-on to the temple. Sun refuses until PMAL reveals that she knows something about Jin. Uh, where are the questions Sun? All I am saying is that if some tarty girl toting a shotgun knew who my husband was despite the fact that I have never seen nor spoken to her, I would have asked some questions.

However, the only thing on Sun’s mind is burying Locke. Which they do. And Ben delivers the eulogy complete with stating he’s sorry for murdering him. It was a lovely wake.

UnLocke returns to Dharmaville to recruit drunk Sawyer to the dark-side. Any minute now, Locke will tell Sawyer that he’s his father (Sawyer, I am you father!).

Sawyer gets UnLocke a shot of whiskey which is naturally doesn’t drink.

Did you catch this? As Sawyer is talking back to his room there is clearly (and yes, I did rewind and pause my DVR several times) a huge brown stain on the back of his shorts. So now Sawyer is pooping himself? Gross.

Naturally UnLocke is able to play Sawyer like a fiddle. Not too far-fetched considering the real Locke was able to do the same to get Sawyer to kill his father. He and Sawyer take off for some cliff where UnLocke has promised Saweyer (and therefore us) some answers.

While on the way, UnLocke spots the kid again who appears to have washed up. Only this time, Sawyer also spots the kids. This seems to make UnLocke a little unsettled. UnLocke takes off after the kid who stops to remind UnLocke that he cannot kill “him” and that he has to follow the rules. UnLocke returns this with the real Locke’s most favorite 5 year-old whine line: Don’t tell me what I can’t do!!!

So maybe the kid is Jacob? Again, does it even matter?

While gone Richard jumps out of the bushes and tries to get Sawyer to come with him to the Temple, but goes running off once he hears UnLocke returning. I would too. He hit you in the throat before Richard, this time he may come at you with a pair of tweezers.

After reaching a cliff and climbing down the Donkey Kong ladder of doom (Really writers, the ladder breaks? Can we have some more predictability?), the pair reach a sweet cave complete with a scale balanced by a white rock and black rock. UnLocke chucks the white rock out to sea as a “joke.” Really? Because I am bored, not laughing.

UnLocke takes Sawyer (who, by the way, I am still refusing to call James despite the show’s attempt to have everyone start calling him that. Same goes for calling Hurley Hugo. I will not be changed) farther into the cave where he shows him a bunch of writing on the walls.

It’s their names along with one of the matching numbers.

Sawyer does ask a question-not a good one-but he asks what’s up with the numbers by their names and UnLocke simply replies that Jacob had a thing for numbers. Thanks for clearing all that up for us, jerk!

Here’s a breakdown of the names/numbers in case you had fallen asleep by this point:

4: Locke
8: Hurley
15: Sawyer
16: Sayid
23: Jack –Holla! 23 is a sexy number. It was Jordan’s number for goodness sake.
42: Kwon (Sun and/or Jin)

Did you notice it too? YES! Kate isn’t on this list. I saw no Austen and no number. How many of you are also hoping this means she’s officially pointless and therefore will die? Let me dream, ok?!

Natrually UnLocke crosses Locke’s name off the cave and gives Sawyer some speech about how Jacob had met him and that he didn’t remember (and we get to see a montage of Jacob meeting the 815ers sans Kate-don’t think I forgot about that New Kids on the Block lunchbox of hers).

That’s it! The end!! What?!

So we learned NOTHING new once again. All we know is that, at some point, either Jacob or the man in black scratched our loves’ names on a cave wall and assigned them a number. That’s all.
Perhaps, we can argue that we learned of more connections in alternate future world, but until it is explained why these connections are important-I DON’T CARE!!!

I WANT SOME ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!