Before I begin this week’s write-up on ‘Lost’, I need to begin with a little note to Damon Lindeloff and Carlton Cuse (the show’s creators). Pardon me for a moment.

Dear Cuse and Lindeloff:

Are you kidding me? This was a total waste of an hour of my life. It doesn’t even have anything to do with Kate (and just FYI, nearly everyone finds her to be a complete load). It has to do with the fact that you gave us NOTHING. NOTHING! NOTHING!!! BOO!!!!!

Sincerely,
Dame Crista

OK kids. Sorry about my rant. But, were you not a little disappointed in ‘What Kate Does’? Seriously, this is the kind of filler episode we had to sit through when the writers weren’t sure when the show would end. Newsflash chach monkeys—it is ending May 23!!! We don’t need anymore episodes that are a complete and total waste of time.

Perhaps my friend S, the only lover of Kate I have ever known, can shed some light on this complete wreck, because I can find none.

I am sad, mad, and totally bitter.

Let’s recap this hot, answer-less, mess.

Again we are given what the show’s creators are referring to as a “Flash-Sideways.” This has led many people to think that we are seeing two possible futures. I, however, disagree. I am with the camp that believes the island story is the “present” while the LA story is the “future.” The inevitable fight between good and evil will lead our loves to back to LA.

In season one, we were subject to the episode ‘What Kate Did’, which let us in on Kate’s past, why she was a criminal, etc. Soon after this, I completely bored of her and started wishing for smoke monster to take her out. I am pretty sure I was screaming “NO! Take Kate!!!” when Smokey was killing Mr. Eko. But, I digress.

Blue Jean Baby…LA Lady:

As we already knew from last week, Kate hijacked a cab complete with pregnant Claire in the back in order to escape from the feds. While exiting the airport, she promptly instructs the driver to run over poor Doc Art, who has naturally dropped his luggage in road. Then, after spotting Jack, they take off.

The cabbie, because he saw the light and couldn’t stand being around Kate either, made a run for it at the first red light, leaving Claire to listen to Kate’s constant heavy panting. Seriously sister, Sawyer isn’t there. Chill.

She eventually kicks Claire out of the cab and, because she’s a major bitch, won’t let Claire have her suitcase or purse. Later, we find that Claire’s suitcase was full of goodies for the BAY-BEE.

After getting some man at a garage to remove her cuffs and changing her clothes, Kate decides to find Claire. This is yet another example of how brilliant Kate is: the feds are after me, they know I stole a cab, gee, I should find that chick I just hijacked and tell her I’m sorry.

Not to worry though, as the only person dumber than Kate is apparently Claire, who welcomes Kate back into her messed-up life with open arms. She hops happily into the cab with Kate and informs her that the couple who plan to adopt her unborn baby forgot to pick her up at the airport.

No worries! Fugitive Kate has all kinds of time on her hands. She decides to drive Claire to Brentwood herself because, I don’t know, fleeing for Mexico just doesn’t seem cool to Kate at the moment.

After arriving at the home we get an “Oops, my bad!” story from the woman set to adopt the BAY-BEE. Her husband left her, she can’t raise a baby alone, and she seems to have forgotten to use the phone. And then, the MOST PREDICTABLE moment in ‘Lost’ history occurs: Claire starts having contractions.

I am completely aware of the parallels this has to when Claire gave birth on the island. Spare me your argument though. Did anything SIGNIFICANT happen? No. Not at all. There is no point. None.

Kate takes Claire to the hospital where creepy Ethan is working as Dr. Goodspeed. Seriously dude, you totally freak me out. Yet although Ethan scares the bejesus out of me, I was more petrified of “good” Ethan. He was trying so hard NOT to be creepy that it gave me more chills than before.

Set to rip Aaron from Claire’s womb on the island, Ethan was willing to stop Claire’s labor altogether while in the hospital. When they lost Aaron’s heartbeat on the monitor, Ethan doesn’t order an emergency C-Section, but instead whips out his handy-dandy ultra sound machine to show Claire that the BAY-BEE is OK. Say what?

Honestly, had it not been for Ethan’s involvement in ‘What Kate Does’ I think I may have thrown my shoe at the television.

Eventually, the feds come to the hospital looking for Kate who has hidden herself so well in an adjacent room (seriously, don’t the cops search anything anymore?). Claire lies, gives Kate her credit card, they exchange warm fuzzies, and Kate tells Claire to keep Aaron. Is this the big moment? Is this what is supposed to make me go all googly inside? Because I didn’t. Boo!

There Are Thieves in the Temple…Tonight:

Back on the island, my hopes of a much better plot line were also ruined.

Many people emailed last week stating that they thought Jacob had been reborn in the body of Sayid. Although their arguments made sense, for some reason, I just didn’t buy it. I still don’t. And, after this week’s episode, I don’t think many of you still buy it either.

Perhaps, in the back of my mind, was my long-time theory that Jack is Jacob. Google it. There are many people out there who, at one time, believed in this theory as well. Many of us took a hiatus with that theory when Jacob was finally introduced. However, this is ‘Lost’ people. Just because we’ve seen Jacob doesn’t mean that he and Jack are not one in the same. If they can pull off two Darrens on ‘Bewitched’ and two Beckys on ‘Roseanne,’ they can pull off two Jacobs, no?

Anyway, on the island Sayid comes to as Sawyer plays the pity card for Princess Heaving Boobs once again. Seriously Sawyer, you’re getting on my nerves. Despite Sayid’s colorful past, the majority of you would be dead would it not be for Sayid’s mad ninja-neck-breaking skills. Right? So shut up.

Perhaps what was pivotal about the scenes in the temple was Sayid’s assumption that Jack saved his life. On the surface (and to Jack as well), it doesn’t appear that Jack had anything to do with saving Sayid. He told Hurley last week that there was nothing left he could do. Once drowned, Jack’s CPR attempt was stopped by Kate (of course). So, did Jack really save him? This is where the argument of Jack being Jacob comes into play. We all know Jack has this need to “fix” everything. Is that because, unbeknownst even to him, he possesses some kind of supernatural ability to do so? And what about Sayid’s statement that he will do what Jack tells him to do because he trusts him. Why? Why out of everyone, is Jack the most trustworthy? Hottest? Yes. The one I want more shower scenes of? Definitely. Trustworthy? Sure, but why?

So the others take Sayid and electrocute him and stick him with a red-hot poker (sounds like my family’s last Christmas together). They tell him he has passed a test which even he knows he has failed.

Dogen (thank goodness you have a name) informs Jack that Sayid is “infected” and instructs Jack to give him a pill. Being that Jack is super sexy and doesn’t listen to anyone, he throws the pill into his own mouth with Dogen refuses to tell him what is in it. No worries, after nearly sticking his fingers down Jack’s throat to retrieve the pill, Dogen reveals that it’s poison and that Sayid’s infected with the ‘darkness’ like Claire.

Thanks for clearing everything up, jerk.

Sawyer, in the meantime, has taken his broken heart back to Dharmaville with Kate, Jin, and two others you know will die, following. LEAVE HIM. However, apparently Sawyer is important to the “mission” and they need him back at the temple.

NOTE: I am going to predict now that Sawyer will remain MIA until the fight between good and evil goes down when he will suddenly reappear in time to save Jack who he currently wants to kill.

After stumbling upon a few booby traps Aldo (aka Other #1) tries poorly to pass off as Rousseau’s, Kate knocks both of them out and tells Jin she plans to escape. Jin is not happy with this. He wants Sun and that’s all.

Leaving Jin behind, Kate finds Sawyer at his old Dharma house where he’s tearing up floorboards in order to get his big shoebox of shame from underneath. When did Sawyer turn into a teenage girl? Seriously, other than the ring, did he also have some pics of Juliet and one of her scrunchies? Lame.

I know I should feel badly and point out how brilliant Josh Holloway was with the acting here. His tears, his heartbreak, his new found dislike of Kate – but I saw this already!!! I saw it in the finale last season when Jules was sucked down the hole. I saw it last week when she died-AGAIN. I am bored with it. Done, over, finished.

Kate and Sawyer head to the dock where Kate tells him she feels responsible for Juliet’s death (remember, her stupid ass dragged them off the sub?), and Sawyer reveals that he feels responsible. Here is where I threw up a little in my mouth. BORING.

Kate also reveals that she came back to the island to find Claire to get her back to Aaron. We already know, from the flash-sideways, that Kate will eventually accomplish this which is why I am getting so bored.

Sawyer reveals his plan to marry Jules and how now he thinks some people are just meant to be alone- i.e. show someone else your freckles Kate, I’m all stocked up here.

Though I enjoy watch Kate’s great disappointment that, apparently for the first time ever, someone doesn’t want her, I am also pissed because I know this means she will inevitably go running back to my boo, Jack.

In the end, the expendable Others catch up with Jin. Though Other #2 seems to believe Jin’s story that he’s heading back to the temple, Other #1 has a complex and pulls a gun on him only to be plugged several times by heat-packing Claire.

Super great. Now I am supposed to believe that Claire lived for 3 year in 1977 without ever being found by Dharma, or Rose and Bernard (when are they going to pop up?), or anyone else as this deserted island has more inhabitants that Manhattan?

Please writers. Fix this. This episode was a total fail.