Greetings ‘Lost’ lovers and, after the last two weeks, ‘Lost’ haters as well. This week we were treated to some much needed Desmond love with ‘Happily Ever After’ and I can guarantee you one thing: this write-up is going to be short. So short, I can actually sum up last night’s entire episode in one word: “Huh?”

Please? Is there anyone out there who understood what the hell was going on in ‘Happily Ever After?’ Because I sure didn’t. I will try my best to dissect what we saw, whatever it was, but for some reason I have a feeling someone slipped me a roofie and I completely made-up ‘Happily Ever After’ in my head, because there is no way anyone could write what I saw.

Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do,
but I can’t and I won’t say I tried but I know that’s a lie cuz I don’t,
and why I just don’t know… -Eminem

‘Happily Ever After’ begins with my least favorite new character, Zoe, waking up a heavily drugged Demond. His first thought, “Where’s Penny, brotha?” She babbles on about how he’s not in a hospital anymore or something when good old Chuck Widmore emerges from the shadows to assure Desmond that Penny and baby Charlie are fine and safe. He then tells Des that he’s brought him back to the island as the island “…isn’t finished with you yet,” which leads Des to beat the pulp out of Chuck with his IV stand. Sexy.

Widmore’s cronies subdue Des long enough for Jin to ask what their plans are for Desmond. Hey Jin, I’ve got a plan, how about you throw some of your kung-fu mafia skills out there and help out your friend Desmond? How about you demand some answers instead of buying the line that it would be easier to “show” you what’s going on? You’re starting to suck, Jin. Really, really hard-core suck fest.

Anyway, Zoe leads Jin to the generator room where Widmore’s people are setting up some crazy-looking scientific stuff in the Hydra Station. Once inside, the first thing I notice is Angstrom-the time traveling rabbit. Here, I nearly flew off the couch as I (thought) had it totally figured out: THEY’RE GOING TO SEND DESMOND BACK IN TIME TO MAKE SURE HE PUNCHES IN THE NUMBERS MAKING SURE FLIGHT 815 NEVER CRASHES!!!! Alas! I have it all figured out!!!

Really, I didn’t. I wasn’t even close. But you have to admit that sounds pretty good. In fact, I bet some of you, maybe even the majority of you, are thinking that my theory sounds a hell of a lot better than what we got, no? It does. For once I am confident. Cuse and Lindeloff should have brought me on for the final season.

Apparently whatever kind of electromagnetic time-traveling x-ray death machine Widmore and company are building had a wiring problem and some random was sent to check it out where, and we all saw this, he was promptly turned into a french fry. No worries, Angstrom the bunny. You were supposed to be next but we have no time. Widmore and friends are just going to throw Desmond in there and hope for the best.

Desmond isn’t sure he likes this idea, but seeing as how he’s strapped to a chair, he doesn’t get much say. The switch is thrown, all hell breaks loose, and Des wakes up at LAX looking for his luggage. Oh yea, this is Des in Sideways World.

As he searches the monitor, Hurley walks by and informs him that their luggage is on carousel four. Of course it is. This does at least show that Jack wasn’t the only one to see Des on the plane. Hurley also saw him. However, this could be due to the fact that all of this is happening in Hurley’s head. Which, if true, means I will be heading to LA to set fire to Bad Robot Studios.

Anyway, Des runs into the rather prego Claire, helps her with her bag, and, in an odd and overly nice way, offers her a ride if she needs one. She declines and leaves but not before Des takes a stab at the sex of the baby. It’s a boy. He’s right. Please, it’s a 50/50 shot.

Des is picked up from the airport by George, who we last saw losing his mind on the freighter in ‘The Constant.’ It’s so nice to see him without the crazy and sans a bloody nose. Yet George is still a little freaky, no? And I am not even talking about him trying to get Des an LA hooker, he’s just weird. Is it just me?

Des heads straight for the office which you know will be Widmore’s. And alas, I am right (for once). But what’s this? They hug? They’re BFF’s? Forever and always? It appears. Des is Widmore’s right-hand man. The Bert to his Ernie. The Shaggy to his Scooby.

I know what some of you want to mention: Did you see the paintings? The one of the sailboat? The other with the scale balancing a black and white rock? What about the Scotch? Remember how Widmore wouldn’t let Desmond have it in regular world? You know what I want to say about this? NOTHING. Because I am convinced that this stuff is thrown into each episode to derail us from the fact that NOTHING is being answered. And let me tell you this, there are only a handful of episodes left. We still don’t know how people survived a plane crash, why Hurley can see the dead, where the hell Walt is, and why Desmond needs to be back on the island…do you think they’re going to take time to explain to us why Widmore had a painting in his office? Exactly.

Widmore informs Desmond that his son (ah, Faraday. In Sideways World you and your skinny ties are thriving) the musician is scheduled to perform at his wife’s charity auction with Drive Shaft. However, as we know, Drive Shaft’s bassist is a crankhead and is in the poke after being saved from death by Jack on the same flight you were on Des. Got it? Drink up.

Now Widmore, who fears Eloise still, needs Des to retrieve Charlie from the jail so he can perform. No worries, Brotha!

But it appears that Charlie doesn’t want to be saved…not even by Desmond who once spent an entire episode doing just that-saving Charlie’s ass. Charlie appears to have a death wish and walking straight into oncoming traffic and into a bar where Des joins him for a round.

After convincing Charlie to perform, the two set off for the charity auction. But Charlie is a crankhead, remember? He starts telling Des all about his near death experience while on flight 815. As he reached death he saw a beautiful blonde woman (ah, Claire…I remember when you were pretty too) and now he’s in love. He knows there’s something not right about the world he’s living in and is convinced that Des will feel the same so Charlie directs the moving car straight into the ocean.

Once free, Des scrambles to save Charlie, yet instead, he has a vision of Charlie drowning on the island, or under the island I should say, including reading Charlie’s hand-message: NOT PENNY’S BOAT. But Des doesn’t know who Penny is. And this is sad to me. Very, very sad.

After some failed tests at the hospital, Des sees more visions including ones of Penny herself. Odd, since he doesn’t know her at all. He takes off in search of Charlie but instead finds the Hot Doc. Thank God. Please Jack, I beg of you to bring some sense to this show.

But my wish is hopeless. After a quick, “Remember me?” greeting, Charlie, clad only in a hospital gown, goes running by and Des goes after. Am I the only one who is wondering why the hell the Hot Doc didn’t tear off that lab coat of his and give chase? Really?

When Des finally catches him, Charlie tells him that he was merely trying to show Des something. And he has. And now Des needs to focus on finding Penny. Great. What?

Des then calls Widmore who is a little more than miffed to learn that Des has lost Charlie and informs him that he has to tell Eloise due to the fact that she’s a major be-yotch.

Des obliges and has George take him to the auction where Eloise is busy ordering people around. Des introduces himself, and informs her of the bad news. She’s cool with it. No big deal. And she leaves it at that.

However, on his way out, he hears the name Penny Milton mentioned on the guest list. Informing the workers that he works for Widmore, he asks to see it. Eloise is NOT having any of this. Now she brings out her talons and lays into Des informing him that he’s not ready for that yet and that he has Widmore’s approval which is all he ever wanted so he should be happy. AH HA! Obviously, Demond has no idea what she’s talking about, but we do…a little anyway.

In Sideways World our Losties are getting what they most want: Kate gets Claire to keep Aaron, Jack is a good father, Sawyer is Starsky and Miles and Hutch…and Desmond has the approval of Charles Widmore. However, getting what you most want comes at a price. We haven’t seen this with the others in Sideways World, but we see it with Desmond. Widmore’s approval comes at the cost of not knowing his true love, Penny. And loving Penny comes at the cost of not having Widmore’s approval. Got it? So what will our other Losties lose out on? Well, that I will get to in a minute.

Before Desmond can leave, he is stopped by Daniel and his tie. Daniel informs him that the other day he saw a woman (Charlotte) and fell deeply in love. I wonder if this was the same day she was porking Sawyer? Anyway, that night, Daniel awoke and wrote some quantum physics down in his notebook. The problem? This Daniel is Daniel Widmore, not Faraday. And he’s a musician, not a brilliant physicist. And he’s alive. Apparently Eloise didn’t plug him when he was time traveling.

He starts telling Desmond that something terrible is going to happen and the only way to stop it is to release a huge amount of energy, similar to setting off a nuclear bomb. Oh, and what if this isn’t really our lives? What if I already set off a bomb? Oh, and Penny’s my half-sister and here’s where you can find her.

WTF?

While my head was reeling from that, Desmond took off to UCLA stadium-where he originally ran into Jack-where Penny is exercising.

He introduces himself to her and promptly faints. After waking, he asks her to join him for coffee. She, though sweaty, obliges and a happy Desmond returns to George to head for the coffee shop. But before you leave the show for good, George, will you please fetch Desmond the flight manifest for Oceanic 815? He needs all the passengers names…he needs to show them something.

So are we left to believe that Desmond will now search for all the people aboard 815 and bring them near death so they too can see the life they’re missing? And what exactly will our Losties see? Will Sun see her daughter? Probably not since she’s been shot. And what will Kate see? Her boobs pressed to both Sawyer and Jack? And Hurley? Will he see all the dead people he talks to? Who the hell wants to see that? Not me.

Back on the island, Desmond awakes and is informed he was out for only a few seconds. However, now he’s on board and takes off with Zoe and and random (gee, I wonder what your fate will be) only be hijacked by Sayid and his tank top. Quickly, the Random’s neck is broken and he tells Zoe to run. Even evil Sayid cannot kill a lady. Sayid tells Desmond that the people who have him are evil and they need to leave. Desmond, calm, replies “Aye,” and the two men leave together.

Obviously, Desmond realizes that Sayid is evil. Perhaps it’s the smell from the tank top, or the evil eye Sayid is sporting. But Des is smart to go alone. And if Sayid kills him I am going to be pissed.