I would like to begin this week’s ‘Lost’ write-up with an open letter to the electric company in my greater metropolitan area. Please excuse this, dear friends and loyal readers.

Dear Electric Company-

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. You see, I am an avid fan of the television show ‘Lost’ and last night’s episode, ‘What They Died For,’ was the very last regular season episode…EVER! Do you understand? EVER! As in, the show ends this Sunday.

And for some reason, 45 minutes into the show-which happens to be the exact time that I start watching it (have to fast forward through commercials thanks to DVR), our entire block lost power. WTF?!?! I will cut a bitch. Deep. You can mess with my bill, my a/c in the middle of July, whatever. But when you mess with ‘Lost,’ someone will pay…WITH THEIR LIFE!

Sincerely,
Dame Crista

So needless to say kids, my ‘Lost’ night, turned into my ‘Lost’ morning via my work computer which I had to sneak to watch whenever “the man” wasn’t looking. I apologize because this write up is going to be a little discombobulated. It’s hard to take notes when I am supposed to be doing my grown-up job. It’s much easier when I am sitting in my pj’s with my laptop open eating a bag of Better Maids…but I digress.

In what is likely to be a failed attempt at keeping this short a simple, I will skip over what seemed to be inconsequential to last night’s episode. For example, Jack woke up at the beginning, but he was wearing a shirt. BOO. And, despite the fact that he was wearing the hell out of those pajama pants of his, the only relevance to that scene is that, once again, his neck was bleeding. This time the wound seemed more gaping and bloody, no?

At breakfast with David and Claire, Jack confirms that he will be attending David’s concert that evening as will David’s mother. Yet another Lost mystery, I am banking on his mother being Juliet. I don’t want it to be, but later in this post you will hear my reasoning why.

On the island, Jack sews up Kate who has, yet AGAIN, miraculously survived a gunshot wound to the shoulder…and apparently her clothing does not tear when shot either. Did anyone else notice this? No bullet hole in her shirt? Whatever. She’s alive and therefore, I am still pissed.

Jack tells the survivors that it is time to leave and find Desmond who is in a well. On the way, Hurley sees kid Jacob who demands the return of his ashes-which he stole from Ilana’s things after she blew up. Are you still with me? The kid snatches them and takes off into the jungle with Tons of Fun chasing after him. Yea right Hugo. You’ll catch him. Right after your heart attack.

Nevermind though, as kid Jacob merely leads Hurley to Real Jacob, or Dead Jacob, can we just call him Jacob? Jacob then tells Hurley to get the rest of our Losties for a little meeting.

The four return and Hurley is shocked when he finds out that the others can see Jacob as well. Jacob calmly explains to them that there is a light in the center of the island that one of them will have to protect from UnLocke. He also tells them that he is responsible for creating the ‘Monster’ aka Smokey, which doesn’t sit well with Sawyer who tries his best to be a badass one last time. “Why do we have to pay for your mistake…blah…I was doing just fine without you….blah.” But Jacob doesn’t stand for that. He lets them all know that all four of them had shoddy lives before the island came along and that they were all alone.

As soon as Kate starts her bellyaching about her name being crossed off, Jacob puts her back in her place by telling her that she became a mom and it’s just a little chalk line through a name. The job is hers if she wants it.

It doesn’t matter if she does want it because we all knew what was going to happen, right? Jacob will let them choose who it is going to be and we know my boo is going to take over control of this island. No worries. It’s what he’s “supposed to do.” Not a question. And Jacob likes that this isn’t a question for Jack. Jack is Jacob….there is an old theory from WAY back about how both Jacob and Jack are derived from the same Latin (the language the Others spoke) name. They are the same.

Jacob leads the four to a stream where Kate, Hurley and Sawyer stay behind to watch the Chosen One take over. Sawyer, unable to SIT DOWN ALREADY, makes a comment about Jack having a God complex but doesn’t seem to upset that he won’t have to protect the island come sunrise.

Jacob takes water, mumbles something and has Jack drink the water. The look on Matthew Fox’s face did it for me. It was GOOD acting people. The kind that, without a work, reveals so much. Jack knows some shizz now. And now, according to Jacob, “You’re like me.” And now, according to me, he’s like Jacob only WAY hotter.

While this is going down, Miles, Richard, and Ben finally make a reappearance. They have been picking berries or something in the jungle for days and have decided to return to Ben’s home in Othersville to grab a little C4 to blow up the plane. The homecoming is cut short when first Widmore and Crook Eye, I mean Zoe, arrive and then UnLocke, who, as Smokey, throws Richard clean across the island. There is speculation this morning. Is Richard dead? I personally don’t think so. Smokey knows Richard can’t die thanks to Jacob. He can be maimed though and I think that’s what he did. I would hope that Richard Alpert and his Eyebrows would receive a much more worthwhile death scene. And I have a feeling Jack will eventually ‘let him go,’ so-to-speak, now that he’s in control.

Smokey then returns as UnLocke and tells Ben he needs him to kill some people. Ben is a snake and naturally agrees and begins his quest for UnLocke by revealing that Widmore and Crook-eye are hiding in his super-secret closet. You see, Ben has been controlled by UnLocke the entire time. This is why he has the secret closet where he could “summon” Smokey. Smokey has been using him…is STILL using him. Only now, Ben doesn’t care. Alex is dead, she’s not coming back, and Jacob doesn’t want him. Game over.

UnLocke and Ben enjoy a quick visit with Widmore which involved UnLocke slitting Zoe’s throat (it’s not like she was important). UnLocke reveals that he is curious as to why Widmore brought Desmond back to the island. Widmore reveals it has something to do with Des’s curious ability to withstand a heavy amount of electromagnetism. Sure. I think he just digs the accent. There’s more, but Ben plugs Widmore before he can speak loud enough for us to hear.

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS!!! Who else remembers with me? A few seasons ago, please don’t ask which, an off-island Ben entered the bedroom of a sleeping Widmore. They exchanged words and Charles let it slip that he and Ben CANNOT KILL ONE ANOTHER. It was not possible. Yet now, all of a sudden, Ben can plug Widmore and he’s dead? Is it simply because they’re on the island? I don’t get it. And I don’t think we will ever get the answer as to why some people could sometimes leave the island (i.e. Richard, Ben, Jacob).

Ben then asks UnLocke about the other people he has to kill. Naturally, these will be our candidates as it seems UnLocke is not able to kill them himself. Whatever Baldy-bring it!

The two travel to the well where Desmond was left and find it empty. UnLocke then lets us in on a little secret. That secret: Desmond is a fail-safe. He can destroy the island. Boom.

In Sideways World, Desmond is also taking care of business. He first phones Jack while he’s having breakfast with his son and newly found sister. However, he tells Jack that he’s from Oceanic and they have found his father. I am not sure why he does this. What are your theories?

He then goes back to Washington Tustin High where he tries unsuccessfully to run down John Locke once again. Only he’s stopped by DOCTOR Ben Linus who tries his best to tame the Scottish beast and make a citizen’s arrest. Yea right.

Des begins to beat the crap out of him-nothing new for a public school parking lot-which prompts Ben to remember when Des was beating him up at his boat before Ben shot him. With me? He also tells Ben that he’s not there to hurt Locke, but rather to help him “let go,” which Ben believes.

A battered Ben receives a ride home from a clearly 30 year old Alex (c’mon, pigtails in high school does not make her look young) and her mother-you guessed it- a clean, uncrazy and not nearly as awesome Rousseau.

Rousseau then insists that DOCTOR Linus join them for dinner where Rousseau reveals that Alex’s dad died when she was two. I wonder if she shot him because he had the sickness. Ben seems to have a flash that makes him sad. Perhaps he knows that in alternate island reality, he’s responsible for her being killed?

Desmond, meanwhile, turns himself in to Detective Sawyer (I know, James Ford, whatever) whose partner Miles is preparing to attend a gala concert (hmmm, same one as Jack, right?) at his Dad’s museum.

Des is thrown in the pokey with Sayid and Kate though not for long as they are then transported to county.

On the way, Des weirds out and asks Kate and Sayid to stay with him and he would help them be released. The driver pulls over the paddy wagon and releases them…oh, and it’s Ana Lucia….oh, and I hate the beyotch…and she’s still a scuzz ball as she is expecting payment in exchange for setting the three free.

Payment she receives from Hurley who shows up and knows her, though she doesn’t know him (sorry Tubby). Obviously Hurley is well aware now of his island life is he remembers this ho-bag. Unfortunately, Ana’s contract dispute is not enough to bring her back for the finale. According to Des, she’s not ready to join them.

Sayid then leaves with Hurley while Kate receives a little black dress and a Camero ride from Des to the aforementioned concert.

Phew.

So this is it. Sunday. 9:00-11:30 PM EST. It’s over. What’s going to happen? Many are speculating that Sideways World Jack will kill Locke when he tries to “fix” him. Others are speculating that it will be Jack who dies.

All I know is that David’s mom will be Juliet who will whisk Sawyer off his feet when he shows up at the concert to arrest Kate…which he won’t do because he’ll be getting coffee with Juliet…dutch.