Madonna Says She’s Not Marrying Baby Jesus on Letterman – Video

So there was a brief rumor that Madonna was going to make an honest man out of Jesus. Then it was trumped Justin Timberlake cheating on Jessica Biel with Rihanna (click here to read about that) and Robert Pattinson Replacing Johnny Depp in Next ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ film (click here to read about that).

Madonna put rumors of another marriage in the works to rest on David Letterman. PopEater reports on her 8th appearance on “The Late Show,” she stated she “rather get hit by a train” than remarry.

David then took her and had pizza due to the fact she has never had New York by the slice pizza. Mid way through the slice she put some sunglasses on when her eyes started to turn black after feeding on something other than macrobioticly fed virgin souls.

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Images Via: wenn.com

Barack Obama on David Letterman – Full Video

[Barack Obama on David Letterman - Full Video Via: Ilovepwnage]

Typically on these late night talk shows you have some A-Lister shilling their movie followed by a C-lister or animal tamer willing to pimp anything. Last night President Barack Obama took up both spots and was David Letterman’s only guest.

Obama mentioned the health care reform issue that is tearing most Americans support in him. He also had some snarky quips of his own when it came to the subject of Jimmy Carter accusing South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson, of being a racist.

“I think it’s important to realize that I was actually black before the election. One of the things that you sign up for in politics is that folks yell at you,” the president said, noting that “whenever a president tries to bring about significant changes, particularly during times of economic unease, there is a certain segment of the population that gets very riled up.”

Top Ten Reasons Obama Agreed to Be on The Late Show

10. Heard the lady with the heart-shaped potato was gonna be here.
9. Thought it would be fun to watch someone else get heckled.
8. Something to do with that whole Cash For Clunkers deal.
7. Every president since Teddy Roosevelt has done it.
6. Someone offers you 600 bucks, you take it ladies and gentlemen.
5. We told him Megan Fox would be here.
4. Needed some time to hang out before check-in time at his hotel.
3. I have no idea.
2. Said yes, without thinking, like Bush did with Iraq.
1. Wanted to congratulate Dave on the big Emmy win.

Anne Heche Gives David Letterman The Crazy-Video

Last night Anne Heche was on Late Night with David Letterman. Apparently, she is plugging some movie, or television show that no one will likely watch.

However, instead of doing the usual Hollywood pimping of one’s self that an appearance on Letterman is designed for, Heche decided to go three shades of crazy and blast her ex-husband, hairy baboon, sorry, Coley Laffoon.

Via D-Listed:

“Anne said he was a ‘lazy ass’ who does the d**k happy dance every time he gets a check in the mail from her. Anne also launched caca bombs on the idea of marriage and said Letterman did the wrong thing by getting hitched to his lover. Anne, who has a PHD in lunacy, said, ‘Don’t get married. Forever engaged is a wonderful romantic thing to do.’”

At this point in the program, Ellen Degeneres ordered her DJ to play a happy song and commenced dancing around her mansion with her dogs and Portia de Rossi.

Anna Wintour on ‘Late Show’ David Letterman – Video

On August 28th in New York, the Devil’s lair will be publicly seen. The making of the September issue of Vogue has been filmed and detailed in a documentary centering around the fabled Ice Queen, Anna Wintour. Personally, I deem her a fierce deity of fashion and she gets the job done with a set of lady balls the size of watermelons.

To promote the debut of “The September Issue,” she hit David Letterman to talk about fashion on a budget, the bench mark magazine and the documentary. He went and addressed the book turned film “The Devil Wears Prada” being about her dominatrix style of work. (We all know not to laugh at belts we see as identical. Move on.) She handled herself very well and even made a few jokes.

This is just me, but for the love of my new Gucci boots….why is Sienna Miller on the cover of such a huge issue? This is why I miss the days when models graced the covers of mags and not some washed up skank able to squeeze into leather pants staring blankly at me.

Britney Spears Top Ten List on David Letterman – Video

[Britney Spears Top Ten List on David Letterman - Video]

Britney Spears slummed it and hit David Letterman last night to do the Top Ten List. The theme was “Ways the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears were President.” While Brit-Brit did a good job sitting around in a bikini, the list was a snooze fest.

10. I’d be the first President to wear eyeshadow since Nixon
9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo
8. Free pie for everybody.
7. My “Situation Room” would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas
6. I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance, “Circus Fantasy”
5. Every Presidential news conference would feature costume changes
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade
2. Three words: Vice President Diddy
1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me

Yawn. I am more interested in the fact that Spears finally got Jayden James and Sean Preston’s a hair cut. (See photos below.)

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Paul McCartney on David Letterman Late Show – VIDEOS

Sir Paul McCartney appeared on the “Late Show with David Letterman” last night after snubbing the show for and the Ed Sullivan Theater since 1964. He was last seen on the marquee with the rest of The Beatles in a show that would launch the British invasion.

[Paul McCartney Performing on Late Show Marquee - Video]

It was more of a serious interview as they chatted about the band and how it got it’s start. It was mostly Beatles talk. They even delved into crazy rumors that had died while shooting the cover the infamous Abbey Road album.

[Paul McCartney Talks About Michael Jackson on Late Show with David Letterman - Video]

“It was great, we had a great time,” McCartney said. “It was Christmas and I was at home and my phone rang and a little voice talked to me and I said ‘Who’s this?’ you know, kind of guarding my privacy, my private number.

“I said who’s this? ‘It’s Michael.’ I thought it was, you know, a little bit sort of dodgy. But anyway he said, ‘Michael Jackson.’ He said, ‘You want to make some hits?’ So I said, ‘Yeah, sure’ – you know, being of the hit-making variety.”

Of course his friendship with the recently departed Michael Jackson came up. The infamously parted ways after Michael outbid Paul for the publishing rights to a 4,000 song music catalogue. Jackson paid around $47 million for the rights and subsequently received 50% of the royalties.

David Letterman Apologizes – Video

Late night talk show host David Letterman has issued a public apology to Alaska governor Sarah Palin and her family after a week long feud stemming from a sexual natured joke about one of Palin’s daughters getting “knocked up” during the seventh inning of a Yankees game.

Per People:

“I told a bad joke,” Letterman said during the taping of Monday’s show. “I told a joke that was beyond flawed, and my intent is completely meaningless compared to the perception. It’s not your fault that it was misunderstood, it’s my fault,” Letterman said, getting applause from the audience. “So I would like to apologize, especially to the two daughters involved, Bristol and Willow, and also to the governor and her family and everybody else who was outraged by the joke. I’m sorry about it and I’ll try to do better in the future. Thank you very much.”

He claims that his intended target was 18 year old Bristol Palin, saying he went as far as to make sure she was of legal age before making the joke, without realizing that it was actually Palins’ 14 year old daughter Willow who had accompanied her mother to the game instead. Palin and her husband Todd responded quickly to the joke, calling the comments “sexually perverted.” However, this morning Palin has accepted Lettermans’ apology.

Jeesh, lighten up people. In his joke he never mentioned the daughter by name so whos fault really is it to have assumed he meant the younger one? It was just a joke – one that he has since apologized for, so just let it go and move on. There are far more important issues to be worried about.

David Letterman Slams Sarah Palin- Videos

Sarah Palin will not go away. And this time, one of my favroite people is responsible for keeping her around.

At the beginning of the week Late Night Show host David Letterman poked fun about Palin’s visit to New York in his opening monologue. Why? Because that it what he is paid to do.

Via Stupid Celebrities:

“Letterman joked on Monday about Palin’s visit to New York saying that, ‘During the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.’”

The joke was obviously poking fun at Palin’s eldest daughter, Bristol, whose underaged knocked-up’ness we were all subjected to during her campaign for the Vice Presidency. (Note to Palin: America still hasn’t forgiven you for subjecting us to Levi Johnson).

However, Palin can’t stand being out of the press for more than three days. She and her snow-mobiling husband Todd, have launched an attack against dear old Dave.

“Laughter incited by sexually-perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is…disgusting,”

the Alaska governor said in a statement.

Palin’s 14-year-old daughter, Willow, was the only Palin daughter on the New York trip. Todd Palin fumed to the press his disgust.

“Any ‘jokes’ about raping my 14-year-old are despicable.”

Palins please. All that time spend in the darkness in Alaska are getting to you. Last night, Letterman used his show to defend himself:

“We were, as we often do, making jokes about people in the news. These are not jokes made about her 14-year-old daughter. I would never, never make jokes about raping or having sex of any description with a 14-year-old girl. Am I guilty of poor taste? Yes. Did I suggest that it was okay for her 14-year-old daughter to be having promiscuous sex? No.”

Letterman then invited Palin and her husband as guests on his show. Though Palin’s camp is currently standing firm stating that it doesn’t matter which Palin daughter he was referring to, I give it a little over a week before we see Palin’s winking and playing the flute next to Paul Schaffer.

Nick Jonas Breaks Up with Selena Gomez

Ok…so I am going to be honest with you all. (Enjoy it because it’s probably due to all the drugs I am hopped up on thanks to this black plague that has hit Hollywood Dame. ) I don’t get the appeal of the Jonas Brothers. Yes, I said it. So all the Jo Bro-Ho’s out there will have to forgive me.

The youngest of the tween tribe, Nick Jonas, has reportedly broken up with his rumored lady love Selena Gomez. Nick was said to be dating the “Wizards of Waverly Place” starlet while brothers Joe Jonas is fighting Robert Pattinson for Camilla Belle and Kevin Jonas is getting a ring for his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa. No word on why the two called it quits but he simply stated to “The Insider” that he was single.

While on “The Late Show with David Letterman” the heartbreakers talked about ex girlfriends Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. They stated things were good with the girls and they were happy to sing them sing together at the Grammy Awards.

Via MTV Per “The Late Show”:

“We went on tour with Miley [Cyrus],” Nick said about his relationship with the Disney star. He jokingly added, “Again, going back to the ups and downs, I think that I was 14, so it’s, you know, I was pretty young, so I think you can just consider it a young little relationship.”

Joe Jonas sidestepped a T.Squints question by stating:

“No, um, yeah, you know, we didn’t work out.”

Hmmm…Happy Valentines Day! Lets hope she has gobs of Wizard cash to dry her tears with.

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Images Via: Getty

Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman – Video

WTF? Joaquin Phoenix crawled off a park bench, put on a suit and went on Letterman. He was apparently high on peyote and looked like he smelled funny.

David Letterman’s Late Show tried to talk to him about his movies and decision to leave acting. He mumbled one or two word answers and was offended by just about everything that was said. Eventually he finally got so offended he put his gum under Letterman’s desk.

At least he is a quiet drunk/stoner/crazy. If I were that hopped up after sniffing air plane glue and doing a shot of Tilex I’d be doing show tunes with the audience and asking Letterman to got get Taco Bell with me.

What Others Said:

Gawker - “Again, celebrities: Dave doesn’t want to rip you to shreds on national television, but if you’re not going to help him fill the 10 minutes or whatever, he has no choice.”

L.A. Rag Mag- “David Letterman just does NOT give a shit anymore. If you’re a celebrity that wants to be roasted, and ridiculed, go on his show because he’s retiring and saying whatever he wants.”