Lost

Complete ‘Lost’ Recap and Spoilers: ‘The Package’

March 31, 2010 By Crista Webster 8 Comments

I have to start this week’s ‘Lost’ recap by asking, can I return ‘The Package?’ First of all, I have taken a lot of heat by some of you for my intense dislike of ‘Lost’s’ female characters, but in all honesty, I really, REALLY like Sun. She’s the only female character that I feel has served a true purpose on the show that didn’t involve heaving her boobs, getting lost, or bedding one of my favorite characters. So I was really hoping that tonight would be good…and I feel really let down.

Earlier in the day yesterday I received some information regarding an, um, ‘event’ (that’s what we’ll call it) that was either taking place on last night’s episode or next week’s. As much as I am conflicted about this event, I feel that I am more so disappointed that it didn’t happen in ‘The Package’ as that may have been the saving grace of the episode.

Let’s be real-what did we really want from ‘The Package?’ Obviously, we wanted a Sun and Jin reunion. Nada. Nothing. Not even close. And for me that’s what is truly disappointing. Will they be reunited? For sure. Maybe even next week from the look of the previews, but nonetheless, that does not make ‘The Package’ somewhat of a downer.

“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.”
- Gloria Steinem

In the season opener, ‘LA X,’ many people noticed that, after Sun and Jin arrived at customs, the security guard referred to Sun and Ms. Paik (her maiden name). This week we learned why. In sideways world, Sun and Jin are not married but are instead, having one hot steamy affair. We also learn, compliments of the skeezy Martin Keamy, that Sun’s father has a strict policy that no one who works for him can be with Sun. This is a HUGE jump from plane-crash world where Mr. Paik practically forced Jin to work for him in order to marry his daughter.

Yet the two arrive at their hotel, some $25,000 less as customs officials are likely using that on hookers and blow. Jin arrives at Sun’s room sometime later to inform her that he’s going to the restaurant to deliver the watch. Instead, she informs him that she’s purchased a new bra and wants to show it off. I don’t know why, but I felt a little dirty, no?

After an evening of wet-hot love, a shirtless Jin seems a little nervous. And I have to tell you, I still did not find him more attractive than the Hot Doc. Yes, yes, Jin was sporting a nice set of pecs, but they just didn’t do it for me.

Sun informs him that she wants to run away with him. She’s taken all the precautions and has even set up an account to help them get started. It’s utopia. But, just before she reveals that she’s knocked up (apparently Jin’s sperm works in Sideways world), there’s a knock at the door and our good friend Martin Keamy crashes the party.

Though she still claims to not know English, Sun gives Keamy the watch while Jin hides in the bathroom-way to go mob man. No one EVER looks in the bathroom. Quickly, Keamy spots the extra glass of champagne on the nightstand and Jin’s half-nude presence is revealed.

Not being an educated man, Keamy calls in Mikhail aka PATCHY!!!! to translate for him. Ah, Patchy. The last time we saw you, you were blowing up Charlie.

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Completely ‘Lost’ Recap and Spoilers: ‘Ab Aeterno’

March 24, 2010 By Crista Webster 16 Comments

So I must admit that I have spent the last week with a lady boner. Really. I know some of you took offense to my brush-off of last week’s ‘Lost,’ but seriously kids, once we saw a glimpse of what we were getting this week with ‘Ab Aeterno,’ do you really think I could focus on anything else?

We finally received some information about the island’s most mysterious mystery (does that make sense), Richard and his lovely eyebrows.

What I appreciated most about ‘Ab Aeterno’ is the fact that we didn’t jump back and forth between what happened in Richard’s past and his present. The writer’s gave us an hour of what we wanted: who is this incredibly manicured man who never ages, how did he get to the island, and what does he look like with his shirt off? OK. So the last question went unanswered. It’s OK. At least I got a little of the Hot Doc to make up for it.

“He who spends time regretting the past loses the present and risks the future.” –Quevedo

We started off this week with a short recap of Jacob’s visit to Ilana while she was banged up more than Lindsay Lohan on a bender in some make-shift hospital. Jacob gives her a list of the six candidates and explains to her that she needs to protect them. This is somewhat odd to me as the only person she made certain got on the Agira flight was Sayid. But whatever.

Naturally, Jacob speaks code and tells Ilana that Ricardus (aka Richard) will know what she needs to do once she gets the six candidates to the island. He’s rather confused by this and gladly takes a moment to remind them that he was planning on blowing himself up Doc Artz style about 6 hours prior.

Then Richard is overtaken by the beauty of his eyebrows and reveals a secret: You’re all dead and we’re in hell. Congratulations! At least you’re not in purgatory, silly Catholics and their ‘Lost’ theories.

Richard takes off into the jungle to look for some tweezers, I can only assume. Hurley continues his nuttery by talking to dead people. Jack confronts him assuming he’s talking to Jacob. However, Hurley is using his bilingual skills and it’s pretty safe to assume Jacob prefers English. He informs Jack that it’s none of his business (oh no you didn’t Hurley-EVERYTHING is Jack’s business) and takes off after Richard. Seriously, Hurley’s brows could use a plucking.

And then it happens….we flash back to the Canary Islands in 1867. Richard is caring for his rather sick wife, Isabella. It’s not looking good for Bella. Really. When you start coughing up blood, you’re time is limited.

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Completely ‘Lost’ Recap and Spoilers: ‘Recon’

March 17, 2010 By Crista Webster 12 Comments

Greetings ‘Lost’ fans. We’re at a crossroads aren’t we? Only 8 episodes remain of our most favorite show. It’s so bittersweet, no? Whereas I will be happy to finally go back to sleeping regularly on Tuesdays, what on earth are we going to do at work on Wednesday mornings? Are we actually going to have to work? Seriously, someone out there should do a study on how productivity changes following the finale of ‘Lost’ on May 23. I bet it goes through the roof.

But I need to be honest with you my friends. I am not so sure how I feel about last night’s episode, ‘Recon.’ I found it to be a little too…predictable. You? I understand that there are many outside factors hindering my feelings: I am not really a fan of Sawyer/James/Jimmy/One too many names, I am not a fan of Kate/Chick who’s built like a 13 year-old boy, there was no Jack/The Hot Doc, and, once I saw the scenes from next week’s episode all about the man, the myth, the eyebrows-there was no way I was going to be able to focus on ‘Recon.’

Following ‘Recon,’ I jumped online and had a great chat with my old friend Trevor who seemed to share the same feelings minus the Kate part (boy are so driven by their hormones), so I doubt that I am alone here. And I am pretty certain, especially after checking with others at work this morning, that next week is the episode we have been waiting for.

But until then, let’s try to figure out who exactly Sawyer is trying to con this time…I have a feeling it’s probably us.

Con man’s got a bloodhound nose for flaws
Profits from both sides of the law

In Sideways World, we begin by seeing Sawyer running the same old con he’s always run: he’s in bed with a chick having grossy-gross when she suddenly reminds him that it’s 8:42 (shout out the numbers once again) and he has a meeting at 9:00.

Ooops, the suitcase in open and the money is everywhere. However, this chick is different. She’s a con-lady herself. She pulls a gun on him and Sawyer, naturally, tries to spin the con back on her by telling her the police have the place surrounded and they are trying to catch her husband.

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Completely ‘Lost’ Recap and Spoilers: ‘Dr. Linus’

March 10, 2010 By Crista Webster 9 Comments

‘Lost.’ That’s it. Lost followed by a period. It was brilliant last night. Complete and utterly brilliant. ‘Dr. Linus’ is, in this humble Dame’s opinion, one of the top five episodes of ‘Lost’ we have ever had.

First off, who doesn’t love a story about Ben? You may not like him, he may piss you off, he may creep you out, but leaning about Ben is one of the best parts about our beloved show.

Many of you know that Michael Emerson (the actor that portrays Ben) was originally brought on only for three episodes. However, fans took an interest in him so quickly that Damon Lindeloff and Carlton Cuse made him into a major character. Last night showed us why Emerson has won the Emmy for his portrayal of Ben Linus, excuse me, Dr. Ben Linus…twice.

Ben on the Run….

We begin where we last saw Ben, high tailing it out of the temple, less a crazed Sayid, searching like mad for his “friends” Sun, Ilana, and Lappids (who have now acquired Miles).

He finds them and explains that he is sans Sayid because he is now four shades of cooky and has the crazy face. Ilana doesn’t seem to believe him, but she’s pretty much a load and they take off for the beach at Ben’s suggestion. Although this was a small detail, Ben’s knowledge of where to go does show us that he has leadership abilities. Perhaps this is why Jacob originally wanted to save him?

On the way to the beach, Ilana seems to catch on the Ben isn’t telling the truth about who really killed Jacob (if you remember, he told her that UnLocke had killed him). Knowing Miles can communicate with the dead (side note: how come no one thinks this dude is a freak for being able to do this? Everyone seems to be of an opinion that communicating with the dead is comparable to making homemade chicken pot-pie).

Miles tells Ilana the truth, Ben did it, stabbed Jacob in the heart, bloody dagger, etc. etc. Ben tries his best to lie again, but apparently Ilana and Jacob were like daughter and really young and therefore creepy father and she’s pissed.

Once back at the beach, the team starts to rebuild…again. The parallels are getting a little redundant, no? Sun inquires about the length they plan to stay as she wants to find Jin. Ilana reveals that she wants to find Jin too because he’s pretty hot and oh, yea, she needs to protect them since they’re candidates chosen by Jacob. Unfortunately, Jacob wasn’t clear which “Kwon” should be protected, so Ilana must pull double-duty and protect them both. OK. How many of you are with me in thinking it’s actually their kid, not either of them? Ilana does reveal that only six candidates remain: Jack, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Sawyer and…and…?? Who am I forgetting? Remember, Kate wasn’t given a number, Locke is dead, and Sayid is nuts. Perhaps she still considers Sayid eligible?

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Completely ‘Lost’: Exclusive Update and HUGE Spoilers

March 5, 2010 By Crista Webster 2 Comments

SPOILER ALERT!!!!! If you do not wish to know some juicy ‘Lost’ tid-bits then STOP READING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hooked you didn’t I? You don’t want to read this. You want to be ‘surprised.’ But you can’t take it anymore, can you? It’s the final season of ‘Lost’ and you want answers faster than Carleton Cuse and Damon Lideloff and willing to give them.

Me too!!!

Spoiler #1: Hold onto your tank-top….Michelle Rodriguez is coming back. Michael Ausiello over at Entertainment Weekly announced this morning that Rodriguez will reprise her role as the shot-dead-in-the-hatch Ana Lucia. Gross.

We haven’t seen Rodriguez (who was killed at the end of Season 2) since she appeared to Hurley in Season 5. It was a glorious time off, no? Really. I can’t stand her. She’s totally the reason I refuse to see “Avatar.”

Spoiler #2: Though I cannot reveal my source (hello, ‘Shadow S’), I can reveal EXCLUSIVELY that we are going to see a backstory to Jacob and the Man-In-Black (MIB). ‘West Wing’ alum Allison Janney, will appear as Jacob and MIB’s ‘mother.’

My source revealed that we will see “fashbacks” to the year 23 AD when Jacob and MIB are children. Janney, who it seems is not technically either’s mother, takes the children to the island for safety reasons.

We also will see a flash of our Yin and Yang as adults in the year 42 AD (these numbers ring a bell, no?).

My source alluded that we will see what happens between Jacob and MIB that turn them from best of friends to (im)mortal enemies.

SPOILER #3: The same source revealed to me EXCLUSIVELY that the boy we saw UnLocke chasing through the jungle (remember, the super creepy one with blood all over his hands?) is in fact young Jacob. However, it is not known why he appeared as a child (other than to establish the character for flashback purposes).

Unfortunately, my source could not reveal when these episodes will actually appear. We have only 10 episodes left before our finale May 23.

In the meantime, are you reading my weekly ‘Lost’ write-ups? If not, catch up on the last two episodes by clicking here for ‘The Lighthouse’ and here for ‘Sundown’.

Image Via:lollost

Filed Under: Lost Tagged With: Lost, Lost Cast, Lost Exclusive, Lost Exclusive Spoilers, Lost Finale, Lost Finale Spoilers, Lost Michelle Rodriguez, Lost Season Six, Lost Season Six Spoilers, Lost Spoilers, Lost Update, Spoilers

Completely ‘Lost’ Recap and Spoilers: ‘Sundown’

March 3, 2010 By Crista Webster 14 Comments

Dear ‘Lost’ Fans:

‘Sundown’ delivered, no? Seriously though, have we ever had a bad Sayid-centric episode of ‘Lost?’ I can’t remember if we did. I think it has something to do with the mad combination of his pretty face and ninja-skills. There’s no one who doesn’t like Sayid.

But what now? Are we left to believe that our favorite redemption seeker is truly a “bad guy?” I don’t want to believe it. At least the writers made sure our beloved John Locke was dead as a doornail before turning him into ‘evil incarnate.’ Yea, yea…stop yelling at me. Sayid technically died, too. But not in the way Locke has died. Sayid is still there-black tank top and all.

However, this morning for some reason, I can’t get a little story out of my head. The story is called The True Story of the Three Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka. It’s a children’s book.

The gist of the story is that, when you hear the story of the three pigs, you’re only getting one side. This book tells the famous story from the point-of-view of the wolf who, as you learn, isn’t so big and bad after all.

“Maybe it’s because of our diet. Hey, it’s not my fault wolves eat cute little animals like bunnies and sheep and pigs. That’s just the way we are. If cheeseburgers were cute, folks would probably think you were Big and Bad too.”

So before we are quick to deem our favorite black tank top a “baddie,” let’s think about whether or not we’re getting the real story. Maybe the man-in-black, aka UnLocke isn’t the bad guy. We have to believe what Dogen says? We have to believe that because Jacob is soft-spoken and wears white that he’s “good?” Lots of famous good guys wear black:

1. Michael Kors: You cannot ever convince me that the American fashion icon and savior of ‘Project Runway’ is bad. EVER.

2. Johnny Cash: So he was a badass and drank too much and did drugs. But, as the saying goes, quiet people rarely make history.

3. My Mom: Seriously, the woman owns very little color. It’s a trademark for her. And, though she will knock someone out if she has to, she hasn’t gone looking for a fight in years.

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Completely ‘Lost’ Recap and Spoilers: ‘The Lighthouse’

February 24, 2010 By Crista Webster 11 Comments

Well kids it finally happened-we received a great episode of ‘Lost’ last night complete with answers to questions that have plagued us for nearly six years. Phew!

Last week I read various interviews with ‘Lost’ creator Carlton Cuse. He was not happy that folks like me referred to the last two episodes as “filler.” Because I am a good little addict and don’t want to make my dealer upset, I promise I will refrain from calling future episodes names.

But this week none of us had to worry. ‘The Lighthouse’ delivered. Not only did ‘The Lighthouse’ focus on my favorite complex and now, apparently, deeply depressed character, Jack Shepherd, it was full of suspense and drama and action and agony-the way ‘Lost’ should be.

Owner of a Lonely Heart

I have to begin this write-up with a quick note to a loyal reader to Hollywood Dame—

Dear Paula,
Did you nearly die? Jack Shepherd, opening scene, no shirt on?!? Seriously, you came to mind once I managed to stop panting. Though, for some reason I remember him being harrier, no?
Sincerely,
Dame Crista

Yes. We started out this week with Dr. Jack in LA in sideways world. He has returned home to a sweet LA pad. Though upset that we didn’t get to see him in the shower, we are lucky to catch him on the way out, shirt open, looking all rugged. Sigh. He’s lovely.

It’s no surprise that sideways Jack seems to be suffering from memory loss. He seemed strange on the flight back to LA, like he didn’t remember getting on the plane yet knew the purpose of the flight. We see the same here. Jack examines a scar on his abdomen-clearly from having his appendix removed-yet can’t seem to remember when he had the operation. Thankfully, mom calls and he has a chance to ask. She reminds him that it happened when he was young and that his father wanted to perform the surgery himself, because he’s a creeper.
Jack notices the time on the clock and clearly recalls that he has forgotten something else. Oh yea, in sideways world Jack’s a dad—WTF?

First of all, I am not going to lie and try to act as though I remember everything from the past five seasons. That is why I write this. I write this in the hopes that one of you has a better memory than I do and can remind me of things. A few of you did that last week-thanks.
However, though we don’t learn the identity of David’s mama, we do know that she wasn’t one of the Losties. Jack, though he seemed to recognize the folks on the plane, obviously didn’t make a baby with any of them. Surely he would have remembered that. So what are our options?

Jack’s ex-wife: I can’t remember her name, but Julie Bowen played her on the show. We saw quite a bit of her Jack’s tumultuous marriage in season one. She wanted to have a baby, he didn’t. She left and showed up later pregnant. We all assumed she was remarried to the guy she cheated on Jack with and that she was pregnant with his kid (remember when she told Jack she thought she was pregnant? After gauging his reaction, she told him she wasn’t. She could’ve lied). However, we are never given a definite timeline on this show.

Juliet: I know, it’s a stretch. But long before Jules was heaving her boobs for Sawyer, she and Jack had a few hot and heavy moments. Albeit we know Juliet was in Miami in her back-story, not in LA, which makes this scenario unlikely. However, this is sideways world and anything is possible.

Someone we haven’t met: At this point, I doubt this. I am hoping that the writers would not take this opportunity to introduce yet another new character, though they don’t some weird crap on this show.

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Matthew Fox’s Sex Scandal

February 24, 2010 By Holly Stafford 3 Comments

If the National Enquirer is to be believed – they did blow the lid off the John Edwards and Tiger Woods fiasco’s lately – 43 year old “Lost” star Matthew Fox has been stepping out on his wife, Margherita Ronchi, with a girl young enough to be his daughter. Fox’s devoted family man reputation is being questioned by claims that he has been carrying on an affair for months with a stripper he met at a strip club in Oregon last year.

Stefani Talbott, 26, who danced at the Stars Cabaret club in Bend, confessed to the ENQUIRER: “Yes, I’ve been having an affair with Matthew Fox. We had sex together. I’ve kept voice mails and text messages from him.”

Talbott says she felt a connection with Fox after dancing for the celeb several months ago. The pair have been supposedly hooking up every since. There is also an “eyewitness account” from a cabbie who says she drove Matthew and Stefani home on December 29th.

Per Radar:

“They kissed and touched each other in the cab,” Andi Watson told the Enquirer. She picked them up at Talbott’s home an hour and a half after dropping them off and said, “they were more romantic than before, kissing a lot more and hugging each other.”

While Fox vehemently denies he had a sexual relationship with Stefani, an Enquirer source explains:

“Matthew’s partying is out of control. He’s boozing and carrying on with women. His carousing is at an all-time high.”

National Enquirer usually follow-up on stories like this so we’ll see how this unfolds. Since Fox is denying all of these allegations, the burden of proof is still on Stefani. Unless she produces these magical voice mails and text messages she claims to have, this story just sounds like another example of a tramp trying to score her 15 minutes and a few bucks on the side.

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Images Via: WENN.com, In Touch

Filed Under: Celebrity Couples, Celebrity Gossip, Lost, Television Tagged With: Andi Watson, John Edwards, Margherita Ronchi, Matthew Fox, Matthew Fox Cheating, Matthew Fox Lost, Matthew Fox National Enquirer, Matthew Fox Stripper, National Enquirer, Stefani Talbott, tiger woods

Completely ‘Lost’ Recap and Spoilers: ‘The Substitute’

February 17, 2010 By Crista Webster 13 Comments

AHHHHH!!!!

There’s my quick summary of last night’s new episode of ‘Lost’ entitled ‘The Substitute.’

I have always-ALWAYS-loved Locke-centric episodes of ‘Lost’. Really. Despite Jack being my favorite character, there is just something about Locke and his back-story that made me love him. However, after ‘The Substitute’, I am a little torn.

I understand that only part of it was really about John Locke, while the other half was about the infamous man-in-black who I affectionately refer to as UnLocke. However, that didn’t really change the feeling of slight disappointment that I have this morning.

Coming off a truly crappy Kate-centric episode last week (i.e. ‘What Kate Does’) ‘Lost’ had nowhere to go this week but up. It was better than last week? Yes! By leaps and bounds. But, so far this season have we matched any episode as great as some of those in the past (I’m thinking everything from all of season one, to ‘The Constant’ to ‘The Incident’ even)? Clearly the answer is no-not even close.

However, as I sit back and watch friends decide they are done, I am not going that far. I have to have faith (yea, that was totally in reference to Locke being a man of faith) that we will get answers. However, part of me is starting to wonder if any of them will come prior to May 23rd’s finale.

And S-you had better be wrong about a movie. Groan.

Let’s recap what happened and see if we can figure out if we learned something that I am just not seeing.

Wheel in the Sky

In alternate future world, Locke arrived with all the other 815ers safely in Los Angeles. At the beginning of the episode, we see Locke arrive home in his kick-ass Astro Van, only to have his wheelchair lift quit on him while he’s in the midst of getting out of the van.

Naturally, he decides to jump for it. C’mon-this isn’t far-fetched people, he’s JOHN LOCKE. He’s certainly not going to ask anyone for help.

As expected, he falls flat on his face and the sprinklers turn on, adding insult to injury.

Never fear, in alternate future world, Peg Bundy (yes, I know her name is Helen. But she will now and forever be Peg Bundy to me) is still with Locke. She recues him and all is well.
Maybe all is well on the show, but not with me. My husband was quick to point out that, when we learned of Locke’s past via his flashbacks, Helen left him prior to his 815 flight. Yet now, for some reason unbeknownst to us, she is still with him.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for Locke, but does he really seem that different? What we learned this week about Locke is that, if the plane doesn’t crash, he’s still the same old curmudgeon he was before landing on the island: wants know help, refuses to believe he’s in a wheelchair, doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do, etc. So why on earth is Helen still there? Someone explain it to me please!!!

We learn right away that Locke has lied to pretty much everyone about his true intent of going to Australia. Apparently, the cardboard box company fitted his bill to attend some awesome cardboard box conference is Sydney (Dammit! I need a new career). He’s also told the same lie to Helen.

Whatever.

After doing her womanly duty of snooping through his stuff, Helen comes upon Dr. Jack’s card and inquires with Locke about it. He passes it off as nothing more than a super hot doctor who looks awesome in the shower, being nice to him. She, of course, tells him that it’s destiny. Yes Helen! Jack Shepherd is destiny. Sigh….

Locke resumes his post as cubicle drone for good old Randy. Ah Randy! How we missed you. So glad to see you’re still sporting those incredibly 8th grade looking face pubes. You’re the best.

Just as in the past, Randy fires Locke. Only this time it’s because Locke has lied about going to Sydney. What I didn’t like was how willing Locke was to piss away the vacation time he needed in October to marry Helen. It was like he didn’t even care. Sad.

After gathering his things and participating in the roll-of-shame out of the office building, Locke finds himself unable to get into his kick-ass Astro van because the door is blocked by some d-bag in a Hummer.

And that D-bag, kids, is Hurley of course. I had almost forgotten that Hurley bought the box company Locke worked for.

After exchanging unpleasantries with Hurley, Hurley apologizes, calls Randy a douche, and gives Locke the address of a temp agency that he owns. Hurley is a baller in the alternate future, no?

Locke and his attitude arrive at the temp agency where he simply refuses to reveal the animal he sees himself relate to the most (BOAR!!!! I believe Locke said it himself once, or something about how much he respected the boar before killing it and gutting it and, well, you remember).
Naturally Locke does not want to talk to this silly woman because she is not connected to him via flight 815. So, enter Rose-her supervisor. We have Rose’s connection to Jack, Hurley (he’s her Boss), and Locke in place. What does this mean? Absolutely NOTHING so far.

After Locke cops a tude with her, she gives him her sob story – she still has terminal cancer. Now shut-up and let’s get you a job. Quit your belly-achin’ as my old man would say.

Back at home, the now tudeless Locke contemplates whether or not to call Dr. Jack. Please Locke, call him. This episode is starting to kill me and I could use a little Dr. Jack hotness right about now.

However, he’s interrupted by Helen and he has a breakdown. The end. Whatever. I was bored and I am so not interested in overly-emotional John Locke.

At the end, we see Rose has landed Locke a gig as a substitute teacher (my condolences). He seems more at home in his job-if you remember, Locke was a bit of a science geek in high school. Side note: hey bio teacher—super sweet of you to skip out on the sex-ed lesson. Well-played.

After venturing to the teacher’s lounge (which, FYI, NO ONE hangs in the teacher’s lounge now that you can no longer smoke in them), we hear a man complaining about coffee. Really. Did he need to be turned around? Like we wouldn’t know that voice? Yeppers. It’s Ben. So Ben’s alive in the alternate future and torturing children in the greater LA area with his mad European History skills (KP-you totally freaked right? I did).

Behind the Boathouse…I’ll Show You My Dark Secret

Things on the island we not much more interesting. This was unfortunate. I am really trying my best to dig unLocke and everything, but you gotta give me something writers. Sweaty UnLocke wandering around with Sawyer? BORING! And Sawyer is wearing a shirt. Stop it!

So the island portion begins with the Smoke Monster moving around the island. He happens upon Dharmaville where he hears some righteous Iggy Pop playing, does a quick scan, and –I’m guessing- sees drunk, half naked Sawyer drinking away is problems.

He returns to the forest where he has Richard and his lovely eyebrows up in a tree. The two talk some nonsense about Locke being a “candidate” for something (yea, I will get to it later). unLocke tries to get Richard and his eyebrows to side with him which he won’t. Suddenly, a boy with bloody hands appears. Of course. Because this makes sense.

Richard nor his eyebrows can see the kid, but UnLocke makes a run for it and loses him. Quickly, I began speculating who the kid is: Is it Zack? Is it kid Sawyer? Is it the paperboy? Because that a-hole keeps throwing my paper in the snow.

You know who the kid is? No one. It doesn’t matter. Unless UnLocke runs into Dr. Jack showering himself in this jungle I am no longer interested. Thank you.

Back at the statue, Ben reveals some truth to the Poor Man’s Ana Lucia (PMAL)who is obviously upset that her friends and Jacob are dead. Naturally though, he lies and blames Jacob’s death on UnLocke. No worries Ben. I would have done the same. That bitch is crazy.

Outside the statue, PMAL tells Sun and the rest to get a move-on to the temple. Sun refuses until PMAL reveals that she knows something about Jin. Uh, where are the questions Sun? All I am saying is that if some tarty girl toting a shotgun knew who my husband was despite the fact that I have never seen nor spoken to her, I would have asked some questions.

However, the only thing on Sun’s mind is burying Locke. Which they do. And Ben delivers the eulogy complete with stating he’s sorry for murdering him. It was a lovely wake.

UnLocke returns to Dharmaville to recruit drunk Sawyer to the dark-side. Any minute now, Locke will tell Sawyer that he’s his father (Sawyer, I am you father!).

Sawyer gets UnLocke a shot of whiskey which is naturally doesn’t drink.

Did you catch this? As Sawyer is talking back to his room there is clearly (and yes, I did rewind and pause my DVR several times) a huge brown stain on the back of his shorts. So now Sawyer is pooping himself? Gross.

Naturally UnLocke is able to play Sawyer like a fiddle. Not too far-fetched considering the real Locke was able to do the same to get Sawyer to kill his father. He and Sawyer take off for some cliff where UnLocke has promised Saweyer (and therefore us) some answers.

While on the way, UnLocke spots the kid again who appears to have washed up. Only this time, Sawyer also spots the kids. This seems to make UnLocke a little unsettled. UnLocke takes off after the kid who stops to remind UnLocke that he cannot kill “him” and that he has to follow the rules. UnLocke returns this with the real Locke’s most favorite 5 year-old whine line: Don’t tell me what I can’t do!!!

So maybe the kid is Jacob? Again, does it even matter?

While gone Richard jumps out of the bushes and tries to get Sawyer to come with him to the Temple, but goes running off once he hears UnLocke returning. I would too. He hit you in the throat before Richard, this time he may come at you with a pair of tweezers.

After reaching a cliff and climbing down the Donkey Kong ladder of doom (Really writers, the ladder breaks? Can we have some more predictability?), the pair reach a sweet cave complete with a scale balanced by a white rock and black rock. UnLocke chucks the white rock out to sea as a “joke.” Really? Because I am bored, not laughing.

UnLocke takes Sawyer (who, by the way, I am still refusing to call James despite the show’s attempt to have everyone start calling him that. Same goes for calling Hurley Hugo. I will not be changed) farther into the cave where he shows him a bunch of writing on the walls.

It’s their names along with one of the matching numbers.

Sawyer does ask a question-not a good one-but he asks what’s up with the numbers by their names and UnLocke simply replies that Jacob had a thing for numbers. Thanks for clearing all that up for us, jerk!

Here’s a breakdown of the names/numbers in case you had fallen asleep by this point:

4: Locke
8: Hurley
15: Sawyer
16: Sayid
23: Jack –Holla! 23 is a sexy number. It was Jordan’s number for goodness sake.
42: Kwon (Sun and/or Jin)

Did you notice it too? YES! Kate isn’t on this list. I saw no Austen and no number. How many of you are also hoping this means she’s officially pointless and therefore will die? Let me dream, ok?!

Natrually UnLocke crosses Locke’s name off the cave and gives Sawyer some speech about how Jacob had met him and that he didn’t remember (and we get to see a montage of Jacob meeting the 815ers sans Kate-don’t think I forgot about that New Kids on the Block lunchbox of hers).

That’s it! The end!! What?!

So we learned NOTHING new once again. All we know is that, at some point, either Jacob or the man in black scratched our loves’ names on a cave wall and assigned them a number. That’s all.
Perhaps, we can argue that we learned of more connections in alternate future world, but until it is explained why these connections are important-I DON’T CARE!!!

I WANT SOME ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!