“You think I focus on that stuff? Have we met? I love her, honestly, I think she’s a very nice person, but I don’t care who’s going on that show – as long as it’s not me.”

What moron utters any name that doesn’t somehow pertain to Mimi in front of Mimi!?

Admit it, Johnny Depp is on your list provided he is dressed as Jack Sparrow and has showered. The man can make scurvy look hot, but appears to have taken issue with dental hygiene. How very hipster.

While on the bright purple carpet for the premiere of ‘Dark Shadows’ in London, Depp sported a rough grill. His teeth made a rare appearance and left me erasing him from my To Do list. The brown and yellow stains are probably from your typical vices, but when one can buy their own island it’s hard to overlook a couple of rounds of bleaching.

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Here are your celebrity birthdays for May 15th…

Jessica Sutta (30)
Alex Breckenridge (30)
Jamie-Lynn Sigler (31)
Zara Phillips (31)
David Krumholtz (34)
Ahmet Zappa (38)
David Charvet (40)
Prince Be (42)
Emmitt Smith (43)
Giselle Fernandez (51)
Chazz Palminteri (60)
Brian Eno (64)
Lainie Kazan (72)
Madeline Albright (75)
Trini Lopez (75)

Well, like I mentioned yesterday, Simon Cowell has a formed a hot mess version of the X-Men. Britney Spears and Demi Lovato will join the judges panel on ‘X Factor‘ and attempt to fill the empty seats of Paula Abdul and Nicole Schwartzenwhatever.

L.A. Reid will crush contestant’s souls as he slides his Prada spectacles down and unleashes lasers from his eyeballs while sighing NEXT, Simon will continue to toss out bitter criticism while combing tufts of man-boob hair out his v-neck tops and thinking about how much money has, Demi will sit on the edge of her seat and be one fat girl comment away from cutting someone while trying to think of something nice to say and Britney will just be trying to think of something to say in general that doesn’t end with: ‘Is it time for my Frappuccino and Big Mac yet?’

Oh, I know. I am being bitter, but even if they combined all their blood alcohol levels, it will never match that of Paula Abdul‘s nor fill the void of her drunken ramblings about dreams and bravery. I miss that ol’ balls drunk pinata of wisdom.

Judging by the whole lotta WHUT? etched on their faces, this season should be interesting. Britney looks like someone asked her what 67-18 is while Demi reacts to overhearing someone ask, ‘Do you smell that? Is that pot?’

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If Kristen Stewart is your vice, then the new issue of Elle will delight your fetish for dirty hipster who discovered the power of cursing. Among the nuggets of wisdom she shared with the mag, Stewart confirmed that Robert Pattinson is her “f**king boyfriend,” she doesn’t like horses and that she is wearing The One Ring.

Kristen on Rob angering the French: “Oooh, Martin Amis.” Stewart plucks ‘Money’ from the shelf. “My copy just got soaked – my toilet overflowed.” And then, “Oh my God, my f–king boyfriend just did this movie,” she says, referring to Robert Pattinson while pulling down a copy of Bel Ami. “The French, they’re up in arms that he did it.”

Kristen on making horses think, ‘Bitch, this isn’t a pleasure cruise for me either!’: “I hated it,” she admits of riding. “I didn’t take to the whole mentality of f–king ordering that thing around – ‘Go now!’ You have to be an a–hole, basically. Not to say that horse people are a–holes to their horses. But you have to basically tell that thing who’s boss, and I didn’t want to do that. I was like, ‘No, do your thing. I don’t even want to be up here.’”

Kristen on being so hipster that even her rental car is a melting pot of non-conformity: “She unlocks a nondescript rental car (she can’t drive her Mini Cooper without being followed by paparazzi), drops the books in back, slides into the driver’s seat, starts the engine and offers up a Camel. Pushing the cigarette-lighter button, she says, laughing, “I went for the high-class rental. This car’s got all the fixin’s!” Scattered on the passenger side floor are a pair of plaid Van sneakers, an empty protein drink, a Coca-Cola can, and a plastic to-go container with a half eaten sandwich covered in mold. A nearly empty Snapple sits in the cup holder, cigarette buds floating in it.

Kristen on living in a protective albeit trash laden bubble that has sheltered her from life (kinda like Pig Pen): “Because I didn’t go to f–king school, I feel I would have had a bit something extra if I had,” she says. “Maybe because my life is so perfect, when I see the other side of life, it just seems like, almost like I want…” Stewart struggles for words. “You can learn so much from bad things. I feel boring. I feel like, Why is everything so easy for me? I can’t wait for something crazy to f–king happen to me. Just life. I want someone to f–k me over! Do you know what I mean?” That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? “Exactly. It’s one of the reasons I want to act. I love living in different worlds, because a lot of times mine is pretty nice and easy.”

Kristen on a mysterious ring that we all want to be some sort of engagement/promise ring, but is really about as magical/special as something you get in a gumball machine: “Stewart taps her hands on the steering wheel, her short nails lacquered in bloodred. On her thumb is a silver spoon ring. “All four of my brothers and my mom and dad have these,” she says. “My mom went and got them for Christmas.” And the gold ring circling her index finger? “Everyone wants to know,” Stewart says slyly. She shakes her head. “Everyone knows already – it’s ridiculous.” As painful as it is to be so publicly pushed and prodded, how does she square wanting to be projected on a 40-foot screen? “Laurence Olivier was asked, ‘Actors, what’s the impulse? Why?’ And he was just like, ‘Look at me, look at me, look at me, …’ That was his answer. But at the same time, it’s like, ‘Nooo, don’t look at me. Look at some version that I’m going to present to you. Let me control it.”

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Here are your celebrity birthdays for May 14th…

Miranda Cosgrove (19)
Mark Zuckerberg (28)
Amber Tamblyn (29)
Sophie Anderton (35)
Martine McCutcheon (36)
Natalie Appleton (39)
Shanice (39)
Gabriel Mann (40)
Sofia Coppola (41)
Danny Wood (43)
Cate Blanchett (43)
Fabrice Morvan (46)
Raphael Saadiq (46)
C.C. DeVille (50)
Tim Roth (51)
David Byrne (60)
Robert Zemeckis (61)
George Lucas (68)
Siân Phillips (79)

“This rom-com queen has been trying to find a suitable A-list mate to compliment her image, but had to settle for a C-lister. She was about to break up with him, but when her ex announced his engagement to a couple of mutual pals, she decided to fast track their relationship. Not only will they be getting married soon, but they will also be welcoming a baby. She is about 3 months pregnant and plans to let bump rumors ride until she confirms the news at what she is deeming “perfect PR timing.” Her goal is to go public with the pregnancy just in time for her ex’s wedding.” [Hollywood Dame]

“Which star, currently in the news, must have such a high opinion of himself that he needs to massage his ego quite frequently? He was, for quite some time, having sex with someone who worked professionally as his own lookalike. (Some of his more casual hook-ups too are said to have more than a passing resemblance.)” [PopBitch]

My Guess: John Travolta?!

“Which publicist is badmouthing an ex-client because she hates his new girlfriend?” [NY Post]

My Guess: So vague, but I’ll say Lizzie Grubman because she is basically my answer to every blind about a publicist doing something a 7th grader would do.

“At a dinner party a few months ago at a A list director’s house, this B list, married actor met a woman who was helping to cater the event. He claims it was “love at first sight,” and although he hasn’t yet physically acted on it, he’s developed a very intense emotional relationship with her.” [Buzzfoto]

My Guess: It’s pretty vague…I’d say Josh Duhamel but he has a thing for strippers.

NBC is desperately trying to get you back on your sofa. Who needs the outdoors/real life? The network known for its Thursday lineup has dismissed ‘Community’ from its slot and moved it to Friday alongside ‘Whitney.’ Four hours of new shows will also join the week’s lineup, but that still means floundering series were canned. Here are the shows we will be giving a Vikings funeral…

NBC Canceled Shows 2012: ‘Are You There, Chelsea?,’ ‘Awake,’ ‘Bent,’ ‘Best Friend’s Forever,’ ‘Harry’s Law,’ ‘The Firm,’ ‘Prime Suspect,’ ‘Playboy Club,’ ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ and ‘Free Agents’

ABC Fans will be pleased to know that favorites like ‘Once Upon a Time’ and ‘Castle’ were easily renewed. The sticky situation of ‘Cougar Town’ finally has an answer. The Courteney Cox helmed series was renewed, but will now be on TBS. The show was wavering on the bubble, but saved by cable.

ABC Canceled Shows 2012: ‘GBC,’ ‘The River,’ ‘Missing,’ ‘Pan Am,’ ‘Work It,’ ‘Man Up,’ ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition’ and ‘Charlie’s Angels’

CBS, home of my favorite – ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ also has their fallen shows. One of the CSI’s didn’t make it along with another surprising cancellation.

CBS Canceled Shows 2012: ‘CSI: Miami,’ ‘Gifted Man,’ ‘How To Be A Gentleman,’ ‘Unforgettable,’ ‘Rob and ‘NY 22’

Fox has moved ‘Glee’ to Thursdays, but got rid of ‘Alcatraz’ despite the hubbub of the series premiere.

FOX Canceled Shows 2012: ‘Terra Nova,’ ‘Alcatraz,’ ‘Breaking In,’ ‘The Finder,’ ‘I Hate My Teenage Daughter’ and ‘Allen Gregory’

CW shocked TV line by cancelling ‘The Secret Circle’ and keeping ‘90210.’

CW Canceled Shows 2012: ‘Ringer,’ ‘The Secret Circle’ and ‘H8R’

I never understood why people feel the need to make sex tapes. Maybe for instructional purposes for your partner who is terrible in bed. You know, bust out that tv marker they use during football instant replays. See what you are doing there? Now look at my face. [circles face] Not a whole lot of enjoyment going on there. I appreciate the effort your putting into it, but we can fix this. See where your right hand is? [circles hand] Move up and to the left about 2 inches.

Tyson took it a step further and made a video of a video chat in which he votes republican (political way of saying masturbate. Get it? Who’s more self serving than a republican?). Beckford is talking with a female model while he gets naked, pleasures himself and then talks about his movies and getting mistaken for Tyrese Gibson.

The former Polo model pretty much confirmed the tape in an Twitter exchange with TMZ and a fan:

“I don’t even care… life goes on,” and “sad that it was a woman who had it to release it! Happy mothers day! Lol.”

“Don’t even faze me. We all do it, just mine got caught on film. Not much of a sex tape lol.”

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As I mentioned a few weeks ago, Demi Lovato was in talks to join Simon Cowell’s X Men. This morning, news of that the troubled teen has officially signed a deal with the reality show devil has hit.

Demi will join Britney Spears on the ‘X Factor’ as a judge according TMZ. Fox has confirmed the judging panel lineup, but they are trying to be strategic. She isn’t getting anything near the $15 million deal that Brit-Brit agreed upon, but she will be at the network’s upfront in New York tomorrow with a smile on. The girls will both confirm their participation on the show tomorrow as well. Well played.

Some rumors attached to the judging panel stated that Miley Cyrus‘ name was also being thrown around for the job. LeAnn Rimes was also petitioning for a spot, but no one wants to see her sit around and insist she doesn’t have an eating disorder while sharing sickly bikini pictures of herself. Miley was never given a formal offer according E!

This should end in a Crazypalooza. Demi is also touring this summer and Britney brings the HEY Y’ALL WATCH THIS! factor wherever she goes.

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