While I am pretty much a nobody, I couldn’t help but give my two cents on last night’s Oscar ceremony. Here is my opinion of the best and worst Oscar highlights:

The Worst:

-The Fashion: While I am not an expert when it comes to fashion like the Dame, I have to say that Beyonce looked like a Tranny Mess on the red carpet. Her looked was usurped only by Mickey Rourke, who I swear is Pat, the lesbian that lives down the street from me. Jessica Biel looked like she was waiting for lobster to be served; she came complete with her own bib.

- The Pre-Show Bru-ha-ha: I couldn’t bear to spend more than 30 seconds looking at Lisa Rinna on the red carpet, so I was stuck dealing with pretty Ryan Seacrest and What’s-Her-Face over on E! Ryan naturally dazzled with the most awkward line of questions, but no moment was as stellar as Seacrest speaking with the kids from “Slumdog Millionaire”…who didn’t speak English…at all. Ryan’s answer to this: ask the same question again, REALLY LOUD, then smile and ask some more questions after you’ve been told they don’t speak English. This ranks up there with Seacrest trying to high five blind guys on “American Idol.”

- Mickey Rourke loses best actor award to Sean Penn: In all honesty, I didn’t see either of their performances. However, I had $20 on the amount of F bombs Rourke would drop in his acceptance speech. Since he lost, I am out the $20 and saddened that I will never know the answer.

-Tilda Swinton eyebrowlessness: Good gracious! When the ladies presenting the Best Supporting Actress Oscar came out, I nearly had a stroke. The camera hit Swinton and I thought an emaciated Gwyneth Paltrow had come to take my soul! For a moment, I thought she was dead and they were just propping her up there “Weekend At Bernie’s” style. Honestly, where did your eyebrows go? Find them before next year or don’t come back!

- Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens sing with Hugh Jackman, Beyonce, and two people who were in “Mama Mia,” I guess: Their revival of “The Musical” only made me want to burn my copy of Grease, pour acid in my ears, and sell my soul in order for it to end. Honestly, there wasn’t enough wine in Napa for me to make it through that montage. Thankfully, the child-proof cap prevented me from getting the pills open before it ended. Hugh, you owe me eight minutes of my life back.

The Best:

-Sank You: Only a few awards into the evening, a little man who barely spoke English won an Oscar. I feel like a complete tool because I can’t remember his name or the award. All I remember was his smile and his repeating “Sank you!” over and over. It was nice.

-Angelina gives Jen a smile: There was no couple on the red carpet more awkward than Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. In fact, Seth Rogan had better chemistry with Judd Apatow who was there with his wife. During the award for best animated film, the camera cut to Angie just in time for us to see her throw a smile in Jennifer Aniston’s direction. My conclusion-she was smiling at her Kung-Fu Panda co-star, Jack Black while asking herself, “Why the hell is she wearing a braid in her hair?” about Aniston.

- Robert Pattinson on the red carpet, presenting, and starring in my dirty dream that night: I am sorry. I know he’s barely been in anything, he’s dirty, yadda, yadda, yadda. Say what you will, the Oscar producers knew what they were doing by asking him to attend. I can name eight people who watched the show just to see him in a tux and clean (and I am not counting the voices in my head). I didn’t see anyone else from “Twilight” there. You want to know why? Because he is hot. Thank you.

- Ben Stiller does Joaquin Phoenix: Stiller has these moments of bloody brilliance and this was one of them. Occasionally he will do something that appears no one else gets. Many of the celebrities at the Oscars last night didn’t seem to get his joke either out of “respect” for Phoenix or because they are too lame to watch Letterman or read the Dame. I got it. And it was funny. Well played Mr. Stiller, well played. It was the only moment of the night that made me laugh hard enough to nearly spill the wine…nearly.

Image Via: Splash, Wenn