Sharon Osbourne Quits ‘America’s Got Talent’

Sharon Osbourne has a special place in my little no-heart. I am not sure if it’s her profanity laced vocabulary or her ability to translate any situation into a need for her profanity laced vocabulary. Either way, I will lift my hand and scream F**KING INJUSTICE! with her.

NBC got a buggeration from Sharon stating that she was quitting their radge pot and thinks they are a bunch of scat queens who deserve a good belt ‘round the mush after her son, Jack, was fired from an upcoming show. The peacock network axed the Osbourne shortly after he confirmed that he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. NBC feared he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the physical demands of a their new celebrity reality show, ‘Stars Earn Stripes.’ Famous folks all compete to earn their “stripes” by in military training exercises.

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Ann Curry’s Good Bye Speech – VIDEO

While Matt Lauer sat with his legs crossed and the world’s smuggest look on his face, Ann Curry unleashed tears as she said goodbye.

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NBC basically kicked her out the ‘Today Show’ door without so much as a signed card with coupons on Dairy Queen. She isn’t leaving NBC, but it is no secret the network did her dirty and Matty was the pulling the strings.

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Christina Aguilera to be Fired from ‘The Voice’ ?!

The Albino Snooki is about to be out of a job according to X17. The site claims that their “source” is a confidante of ‘The Voice’ production team. Said producers are done dealing with Christina Aguilera and plan on firing her next season because she is too busy shellacking her face, eating bottles of vodka and playing slap and tickle with her boyfriend…

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Meredith Vieira Confirms Leaving Today Show – VIDEO

It is final. Meredith Vieira is leaving the ‘Today Show‘ to “carve out more time” for her family. Click ‘Read More…’ Below for the video of her announcement.

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Betty White Signs Deal with NBC for Prank Show

Betty White is one of my favorite celebrities – She’s just so adorable and she’s hilarious! She did an amazing job when she hosted SNL, won a SAG Award, and NBC executives clearly have noticed her skills. It looks like NBC and White have made a deal for her to host her own show! This is, awesomely, not an April Fool’s Day joke!

Move over Ashton Kutcher because White’s getting her own prank show called ‘Betty White’s Off Their Rockers.’ NBC has ordered 12 episodes of the hidden-camera comedy show hosted and executive produced by White in which seven senior citizens play pranks on younger people.

Per Us:

“People have been telling me that I’m ‘off my rocker’ for years — now I can prove it,” White joked in a statement.

The show is based on the format used in the Belgian show ‘Benidorm Bastards‘ and is intended to focus on the younger, unsuspecting crowd who don’t think that the older folks can’t be trouble makers all the while making the audience laugh at the mischief the older folks find themselves making. So it’s like Punk’d but with grandmas and grandpas pulling fast ones on all the young whippersnappers — how fun does that sound?!

Paul Telegdy, NBC’s EVP of Alternative Programming, called White “a comedic genius who escalates hilarity in any situation. Viewers will thoroughly enjoy watching her pull one over on the unsuspecting youth of America.” No debut date has been set as of yet, but this show is going to be HUGE! White has become a pop culture icon over the last year. We love you Betty White!!!

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Christina Aguilera Joins NBC’s ‘The Voice’

NBC’s answer to ‘American Idol‘ has found its’ Paula Abdul: The network has announced that Christina Aguilera will be the third coach on the new singing competition series ‘The Voice,’ joining Cee-Lo Green and Maroon 5′s Adam Levine, with the last fourth coach expected to be named shortly. Will she teach everyone to skip a line in a song?

Per EW:

“I am so excited to be part of such a wonderful project that celebrates music and the talent behind it,” Aguilera said in a statement. “To be given the opportunity to help shape new artists’ careers and mentor them to see their dreams come to fruition is a task I welcome with open arms. I am so happy to be working with fellow Grammy Award winners Adam and Cee Lo as I feel there is so much we can all bring to The Voice.”

The timing of the announcement could have been better. Aguilera was stopped and arrested early Tuesday morning after police said she was riding in a car while extremely intoxicated. And lets not forget how she flubbed the lyrics to our National Anthem, or when she fell on stage after singing a tribute to Aretha Franklin at this years Grammy Awards. Someone’s gotta coach the contestants on the fine art of oversinging.

The summer singing competition show – hosted by Carson Daly – will premiere April 26, right about the time American Idol will be down to its top 10. The show features the judges choosing to work with contestants based on their voices alone — they’re not allowed to see them first. Once they choose their favorites, they mentor them to stardom, and America will decide which contestant wins a recording contract and a cash prize.

Click here for 21 Celebrities who rock red lipstick!

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My Letter to NBC Regarding Their Mid-Season Changes

Dear NBC:

I came across this article today on THRdetailing your decision to re-arrange your viewing schedule in January.

At first, I became a little excited as I see that ‘Parks and Recreation’ is FINALLY returning to the airwaves where it belongs. Please. I can’t get enough Leslie Knope. But then I noticed how you played us. Or you’re a slick one NBC, really smooth. You remind me of that guy I dated who kept a bottle of cologne in the glove box of his car. But I digress.

You see TV junkies, NBC has decided to ix-nay the idea of running a drama in the coveted 10:00 PM EST time slot on Thursdays and has, instead, moved my beloved ’30 Rock’ to 10:00 PM!!!! WTF?!?!

Really?!? Really?!?

You think that after a hard day slaving away for The Dame I can keep my happy behind awake past 9:56 PM? I have seen ‘Saturday Night Live’ live since the invention of Tivo.

I know what you’re thinking, just record it and shut your pie whole Dame Crista. But I cannot. You see, I work with them. You know them, because chances are you work with them as well. The people who watch everything and never sleep. And Friday morning they slither into work and stand firmly at your desk and ask if you caught ’30 Rock’ the night before. You, of course, shout at them and put your hands over your ears and tell them that you have plans to watch it while you knock down your third bottle of Shiraz while washing out your bras later that night, and they smile and agree not to say anything…until you remove your hands and they decide they ‘just have to tell you about this one part,’ and the rest is your nightmare.

So thank you NBC for ruining everything.

To quote the irreplaceable Jack Donaghy, “The Italians have a saying, Lemon. ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’ And although they’ve never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.”

And I have my stink eye on you NBC! You can just forget about me watching ‘The Biggest Loser: Couples.’ We’re through (except for Thursdays from 9:00-10:30 PM EST).

Sincerely,
Dame Crista

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Conan O’Brien Back On TBS Tonight!

It’s been 10 long months but finally Conan O’Brien is back!! He will debut is his new show ‘Conan‘ on TBS tonight at 11pm. What can we expect? (To catch you up — Conan has been off the air since January, when NBC canceled Jay Leno’s prime-time hour after the ratings went south. NBC bought out O’Brien and his team for around $40 million to clear the way for Leno to reclaim the position as ‘The Tonight Show‘ host. It was the same position handed off to O’Brien last year.)

Tonight, Conan will debut with sidekick Andy Richter making a comeback along with a new band leader Jimmy Vivino. Guest on Conan will include Seth Rogen, ‘Glee’ star Lea Michele as well as a performance by Jack White. Week 1 guests include Tom Hanks and Jack McBrayer on Tuesday, Jon Hamm on Wednesday and Michael Cera on Thursday.

Per Showbiz Spy:

“I want to talk to people who are good at a craft, people who work with their hands. We’re going to talk to a lot of upholsterers. And we may have financial penalties. If Jim Carrey or Tom Hanks accidentally mentions his project, I think the viewer should be compensated in some way. That would be a way to turn this economy around.”

Should be a good one! Will you be tuning in?

Click here to see who is endorsing credit cards for kids!

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Celebrities BANNED from SNL

Saturday Night Live isn’t shy about the fact their office politics operates on a rodeo of egos. So here is a list of celebrities that are banned from appearing on SNL.

Steven Seagal – The pudgy action figure turned assistant molester hosted on April 20, 1991, was banned from hosting because of his difficulty in working with the cast and crew.

A year and a half later, Nicolas Cage hosted on September 26, 1992. Nicolas spoke with Lorne backstage, saying, “…they probably think I’m the biggest jerk who’s ever been on the show!” to which Lorne replied, “No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.”

Cypress Hill – The band managed to get themselves banned from the show after their October 2, 1993 episode. DJ Muggs lit up a joint on-air and the band trashed their instruments after playing their second single “I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That.”

[Sinead O'Connor SNL Banned Pope Insult 'War' - Video]

Sinead O’Connor – Sinéad O’Connor was blacklisted from re-appearing on SNL after her performance on October 3, 1992. During she did her version of Bob Marley’s “War,” she shouted the word “evil” while holding up a picture of Pope John Paul II, tore it up and yelled, “Fight the real enemy!”
Dave Wilson immediately turned off the “applause” cue. The audience sat in total silence. Within minutes the peacock network received hundreds of complaints. At the end of the show, host Tim Robbins, who was raised Catholic, refused to give O’Connor the customary “thanks” for being the musical guest.

To this day, NBC refuses to give out the footage of the performance. It was also edited out of the syndicated version of the episode. Instead, the incident was replaced with footage from the dress rehearsal. In 2003, it was show with an explanation from Lorne Michaels, on Disc 4 of the ‘Saturday Night Live – 25 Years of Music’ DVD set.

Martin Lawrence – He nearly cost some SNL employees their jobs after his attempt to be funny during his monologue went very wrong. On the February 19, 1994 episode, Martin’s opening scene included comments about feminine hygiene. It has since been edited out of repeats and replaced with a graphic and voice-over that stated:

“At this point in his monologue, Martin begins a commentary on what he considers the decline in standards of feminine hygiene in this country. Although we at Saturday Night Live take no stand on this issue one way or the other, network policy prevents us from re-broadcasting this portion of his remarks.

In summary, Martin feels, or felt at the time, that the failure of many young women to bathe thoroughly is a serious problem that demands our attention. He explores this problem, citing numerous examples from his personal experience, and ends by proposing several imaginative solutions.

It was a frank and lively presentation, and nearly cost us all our jobs. We now return to the conclusion of Martin’s monologue.”

*Full Martin Lawrence SNL Monologue Transcript Below

Adrien Brody – He became the latest person no longer allowed on Saturday Night Live on May 10, 2003. He came out to introduce reggae musician Sean Paul, while wearing stereotypical Rastafarian gear including dreadlocks. Adrien then began rambling in a Jamaican accent for almost a full minute before finally flubbing the musical guest’s name, asking everyone to welcome “Sean John.”

Chevy Chase was no longer welcomed on the set after his appearance on February 15, 1997. This time the trouble wasn’t onscreen. Chevy treated fellow cast and crew horribly. His ego was too big for the set and his bigotry toward openly gay cast member, Terry Sweeney, earned him a snub from the producers. In 1985 Chase told Terry that he would be perfect for a sketch about an AIDS victim. His ban appeared to be flexible. He appeared on the 25th anniversary special in 1999, was interviewed for the 2005 special Live From New York: The First Five Years of Saturday Night Live, and cameoed in two episodes (one hosted by Bill Murray in 1999 and another hosted by Sean William Scott in 2001).

Martin Lawrence SNL Monologue Transcript:

Martin Lawrence: Yeah! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, uh-huh. Yeah! Man, man oh man, look at all these white people.

No, I guess this ain’t the Def Jam, right, so I-I guess I better be cool, huh? I got some black folks out there to back me up though. (Cheers)

Woo! All right, all right. Man, I-I am so happy to be here, this is a dream come true for me. I mean, hostin’ Saturday Night Live, I watched everybody. All of ‘em on here, and I was like “when I’m gonna get my chance? When I’m gonna get my chance?” Well dammit, now is my chance. Ain’t no stoppin me now, I tell you.

It’s crazy though, I gotta talk about some things that the daggone censors are followin’ me everywhere around, wish they’d get off my ass- oops, damn, did I slip?

It’s botherin’ me, man. You know, “you can’t say this, you can’t say that,” I’m like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I- can I do it? Can I talk to y’all? (Cheers & applause) I mean, I-I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y’all.

Um… Something concerns me real deeply. You know, uh, and it’s crazy, uh, and no fella has come up to me, none of the brothers, anybody, has acted like it concerns them as much as it has me.

Um… The ladies, in the 90s, have license to cut off the pilly-packers. (Laughs)Yep. They got license to cut your thing off, man. And this scares me, OK? Because I know women are mad in the 90s, especially white women, I mean, this is the year where they smash your knees and cutting the pilly-packers off.

You know what I’m saying? But I mean, I feel for that man though, man. I feel for him. cause she took his thang man, you know what I’m saying? He can’t do this (mimes intercourse). He ain’t ever gonna really be able to do this. You know, if you can’t do this in your life somethin’s missin’. You know what I’m saying? And the lady cut it off, man, and cut it off while he was asleep and he ain’t even know it was gone. He was asleep, just chillin’, you know, rubbing, having one of them dreams, (mimes sleeping man feeling for penis) and woke up and wasn’t nothin’ there.

Now what got me about the whole thing was, if she’s gonna cut it off at least she coulda left it around his bed or somethin’, you know what I’m sayin’, the man woke up with no options, couldn’t find the peely- pilly packer nowhere, you know what I’m sayin?

What she did with it, got in the car, then she got in the car with- held it in one hand drove the car with the other. Drove down the damn street and threw it in the neighbor’s yard. “Here, he’d like to visit your ass.”

It scares me, y’all. It’s sad, man, a-and how I found out, I found a brother, I heard a brother found it. You know, and it was scary cause they say he was just walkin’ down the street, mindin’ his own business, he’s chillin’, he… (mimes walking and stopping in surprise)… cause he saw this he said “Wait a minute, is that a pilly-packer? Damn.” And it was white and little, so he had to squint. (Laughs & applause)

He ain’t really know, you know, he said “Damn, well I don’t really know that person,” he wanted to pick it up but he said “I don’t know the person.” So uh, what he did was run and get a stick and scooped it up, you know and said “All right, cool, what can I do with it, can- what can I do with it,” you know, “what can I do with it?” You know?

And he thought, and he said “what would a white man do, what would a white man do?” You know, and the first thing came to the brother’s head was get it on ice, you know. So he saw an ice cream truck, you know, threw the pilly-packer on some sno-cones, you know. It scares me so bad I don’t go to bed without a Nutty Buddy by my side, y’all.

Something else concerns me and it hurts, see I’m, I’m single, I’m a single man, I don’t have nobody, I’m looking for somebody and- but I’m meeting a lot of women out there, and you got some beautiful women, but you got some out there that, uh, I gotta say somethin’. Um… some of you are not washing your ass properly.* (laughter & applause) OK? Don’t- don’t get me wrong, not all, some of you, you know what I’m sayin’, uh… I’m sorry, ‘Cause uh, listen, now, I don’t know what it is a woman got to do to keep up the hygiene on the body I know, uh, I’m watching douche commercials on television, and I’m wonderin’ if some of you are reading the instructions. I don’t think so. Y’know, ’cause I’m getting with some of the ladies, smelling odors, going “Wait a minute. (gestures with index finger) Girl, smell this! This you! Smell yourself, girl.”

Smell yourself! I tell a woman in a minute, douche! douche! Some women don’t like when you tell them that, when you straightforward with them. “Douche!” They, (imitating woman) “Forget you! You cannot douche all the time, you’re gonna wash all the natural juices out the body.” I say, well, I dont give a damn what you do, put a Tic-Tac in your ass. Put a Cert in your ass. Oh, oh, y’know, this look like a good damn place for a Stick-up up in your ass.

I’m sorry, y’all. You got to wash properly. You know, and then, you know, ’cause I’m a man, I like to kiss on women, you know, I like to kiss all over their bodies, you know. But if you’re not clean in your proper areas I can’t… you know… kiss all over the places I wanna kiss. You know, some women’ll let you go down, you know what I’m sayin’, knowin’ they got a yeast infection. (Some audience disgust) I’m sorry. Sorry. Come up with dough all on your damn lip… Got a bagel and a croissant on your lip. “Anybody got any butter?” I like jelly on mine.

Well look here, y’all, we got a great show for you tonight, cause I’m here. (Cheers and applause) That’s right. I’m here, Crash- yo, yo! Crash Test Dummies are here so yo, we’ll be back, hang on, we gonna be back, we gonna do our thing!

(removes shirt and conducts martial arts moves)

Jimmy Kimmel Dressed as Jay Leno – Video

Typically I am passed out drunk er…exhausted from helping underprivileged children by the time the late night talk show circuit begins. With Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien getting bent over by NBC , Jimmy Kimmel decided it would be humorous to dress up and do the worst Leno impersonation ever.

He was in the Leno getup for the entire show and started it off by stating:

“Hello, my name is Jay Leno. And let it hereby be known – that I’m taking over all the shows in late night. Beginning with this! It’s great to be here on ABC. You know what ABC stands for? Always Bump Conan.”

Poor Elisha Cuthbert endured the slightly awkward moments and appeared to be taking the drawn out joke with grace.

Chevy Chase also did a brief bit in a Conan wig.

I love “Community” so I wish they would have focused on that versus Leno VS Coco in the NBC Death Pit.