prostitutes

Tiger Woods Update – Quits Golf, Hired Hookers

Ok….I know that you have Tiger Woods’ whoreyness coming at you from every angle and Tony the Tiger has even changed his name to Tony the Big Stripy Cat. So here is a brief rundown of what is going down on Tiger: The Slut Parade Project.

*TIGER QUITS GOLF* – Tiger is considering quitting golf at the request of his wifey, Elin Nordegren. She gave him an ultimatum stating: “It’s golf, or me.” DUMB. What ho in her right mind would tell her man to quit making millions of dollars and go work at Big Lots? Send a babysitter with his hongray manhood. I am thinking a 250 pound drag queen nick-named Weave Snatcher.

*TIGER EMPLOYED HOOKERS* – Maybe he has a ‘Pretty Woman’ fetish and hoped that Julia Roberts would be there. Just to recap the level of slut going on…he has supposedly nailed a couple of cocktail waitresses, two hookers, 2 Z-list porn stars, a Las Vegas marketing manager, a manager at Perkins (not joking), a wannabe model, a reality moron and another mystery cougar who hired Gloria Allred. It’s like the 12 Days of Valtrex.

*BUH-BYE AD DEALS* – So far Gatorade and Tag Heuer have dropped Woods from their advertising campaigns. The non-carbonated sports drink and Swiss watch label have stopped all adverts featuring the disgraced golfer in effort to distance themselves from his sluttery.

*$60,000 THREESOMES* – While he was purchasing prostitutes like discounted portable dvd players on Black Friday, he also paid for group sex. A Hollywood Madam screamed to NY Daily about his purchases. His favorite was a trick named Loredana Jolie. He paid $15K for a night out with her. Then he would habitually shell out $30,000-$40,000 for threesomes while requesting “college-cutie, girl next door” types.

*SANTA CLAUSE TO HOOKERS* The madam continued by stating he was well endowed and would constantly buy his hired escorts presents.

Suddenly I feel like I need to shower with Tilex for the Lord of Hooker Ring has made me feel icky.

Image Via: Dlisted

Saint David Archuleta’s Dad Arrested for Hooker Outreach Program

I am sure he was just paying her to help paint a garage or mow the lawn. Strike that, Jeff Archuleta was in a dodgy massage parlor getting a happy ending.

David Archuleta launched into stardom after making it the final two spots on “American Idol.” It was a battle of the David’s as his competitor, David Cook, won the title. During the competition there were constant reports that Archie senior was a stage dad. He would blast his son if he didn’t performing up to his standards and interfered in the other contestants backstage lives. Eventually Idol producers banned him from rehearsals and back stage.

Early this year, Jeff was getting a massage from a woman in lace panties when police raided the parlor after a doctor who was renting the building became suspicious of their practice and called the cops. He was face down on the able just finishing up his massage when two officers entered and arrested him.

Via Radar:

“We read him his Miranda rights twice. The second time because he said he didn’t understand them the first,” Det. Sgt. Salazar. “During the questioning, he said he’d found the place on Craig’s List. He was asked if he’d received any sexual services and he said he had.”

Now he is back tracking and his attorney has gotten him off with a class B misdemeanor and soliciting a prostitute. He plead no contest and paid a fine of $582. He claims he only went to the Reiki Massage Parlor for a back issue. Jeff stated he found the parlor on Craig’s List.

I guess if you can find llamas on Craigs List you can also find naked massage therapists with magical back healing powers.