Robert Pattinson Has Secret SON

Twi-hards, sit down. Put your feet up. Have a drink handy. No, not because of the ‘explosive’ claims that are about to be unveiled, but because you’re gonna be laughing until you’re blue in the face at how outrageous and unbelievable these new so-called reports about Robert Pattinson are that have been making their rounds on the net. According to ‘Famous’ Magazine out of Australia, not only is Sparklepants hiding a secret girlfriend, but he’s also hiding a secret son!

Famous Magazine has cranked out a story based on dribble from “fans” who have concocted this ridiculous tale. The claim is that Pattinson has a secret girlfriend named “Elaina Arora” and they two have had fights via Twitter. Sparklepants doesn’t have a Twitter nor is he dumb enough to engage in fights via the social network.

The story goes on to reveal that Rob and his “secret girlfriend” have a son together conveniently named SHAM. He was also “seen out with a mystery brunette in London last year” and that was supposed to be the stranger bitch, Elaina. The mag uses fans’ descriptions fuel their report so you can pretty much deduct with the powers of reasoning that there isn’t one shred of actual proof. According to these “fans” Pattinson was even seen out with her last year in London and they claimed to have seen an ultrasound picture inside her purse.

Obviously their claims are TOTAL CRAP and this concludes your laugh for the day. Twi-hards, you can still breath easy.

Click here to check out the pay increase the stars of “Twilight” will be earning for their new film!

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Images Via: WENN.com

Robert Pattinson Named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive 2009 – HOAX

What a HUGE surprise! Yea, that’s me being snarky.

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People Magazine has yet to formally announce their ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ of 2009, but Just Jared got his hands ahold of the cover and…wait for it…wait…. a HOAX has been pulled as rumors that Robert Pattinson has been bestowed the honor of giving ladies of all ages the hornies this year.

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Via Twilighters Anonymous:

“In the third one (Eclipse), I’m doing fight scenes and there’s a strand going down my forehead and they’re like, ‘We need to do it again because no one will recognize you! No one will know who it is!’ I’m like, really, is my face that generic? I have to look like the poster at all times. Just in case they want to use any clip for the trailer. Any clip at all! There were about five people in different departments who, because of my forelock, ended up in tears.”

People will officially announce the REAL Sexiest Man Alive for 2009 tomorrow. Until then don’t believe the photoshopped cover floating around (shown below). It is actually a photo from the Vanity Fair outtakes thrown together by an overzealous Twilight fan.

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Images Via: WENN.com, Vanity Fair, RobsessedPattinson

Robert Pattinson Likes to ‘Entertain’ Kristen Stewart While Drunk – Photos

Here is your daily dose of Robert Pattinson making sexy times with KStew brouhaha.

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Old Sparklepants took his unicorn patch to Vanity Fair and of course the mag addressed the rumors and stories of the elusive Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart dating. Both “Twilight” actors call the love stories “false” and eloquently state it’s all “retarded.”

“She’s influenced how I’ve done all the Twilight stuff. It’s quite nice to have someone who is genuinely indifferent to the whole spectacle of everything.” For the record, however, Pattinson says the rumors of a love affair are false: “It doesn’t make any difference what you say [to the tabloids]. I’ve literally been across the country [from Kristen], and it’s like ‘Oh, they were on secret dates!’ It’s like ‘Where? I can’t get out of my hotel room!’ ” Stewart is even more emphatic: “It’s so retarded,” she says. “We’re characters in this comic book.”

The director for the first film of the “Twilight” saga didn’t help by mentioning he spent his free time getting crunk and entertaining Kristen is his hotel room.

“What Rob and Kristen had is a multitude of feelings for each other. Complex feelings for each other,” says Hardwicke. “It was what we needed. Complex, intense fascination.”

I don’t think the world is ready for Sparklepants wearing nothing but a lampshade and singing “Show Me the Way to Go Home” while shaking his stanky leg for KStew, but it’s nice to know the possibility is there. I wonder if he did so wearing only the Edward Cullen undies?

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Images Via: VF.com

Robert Pattinson To Quit Acting

EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

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That, my friends, is the creepy cry of the Twi-Hards upon learning that their beloved Robert Pattinson is thinking of hanging up his acting fangs.

In a recent interview with Seventeen Magazine, the current hot commodity and my former love slave (I had to let him out of the basement to shoot ‘Eclipse’, ok?) stated that he isn’t sure how long his acting career will last.

Via MTV UK:

“I don’t even know if I want to be an actor that long. I don’t even know how to be someone else… if I start doing lame work, I’m not going to stick around and do it!”

Sparklepants, I think this means you should have stopped with ‘The Haunted Airman’. Yea, Twi-Hards, I said it.

He then went on to compare himself to rapper Eminem.

“When the first film came out I felt like a complete tosser, It looked like I was trying to be cool or something, like Eminem. You know, to be in a movie and then do a song for the soundtrack. But I didn’t look cool, I just looked ridiculous.”

I don’t know about that Sparks…you have way better hair than Em.

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Images Via: Us Weekly, JJB