Lindsay Lohan Being Lured into Scientology

Clutch the pearls and gasp as you insert your shocked face. (Mine looks eerily like my eye rolling during time share sales pitch.) Lindsay Lohan is reportedly being lured into Scientology.

The National Enquirer (per Entertainmentwise) is weaving a tale of Lindsay being lured into the van of crazy (Scientology) by a balding man who sweats when he thinks about women’s shoes (John Travolta) with the promise of candy and puppies (blow and a movie role to pay for more blow).

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Tom Cruise Violated Xenu Style

Someone besides us is doing some heavy mocking! Tom Cruise was secretly videotaped as he spilled his guts in Scientology confessional sessions, which were then showed to other high-level Scientologists as entertainment. Former high-ranking Scientologist, Mark Rathbun, says that he did the videotaping and gave the tapes to David Miscavige, who read the transcripts at parties, “joking and laughing” at them. I’m surprised this guy is still alive if he is criticizing Scientology. Don’t they try to cut your nads off if you cross them?

Per Mark Rathbun:

“I audited a number of intensives of confessionals on Tom Cruise from July through November 2001. By order of [Scientology leader David] Miscavige many of those sessions were secretly recorded by a well-concealed video camera and voice recorder system built into the VIP auditing room at Celebrity Center International. … All I knew at that time was that I forwarded the videos to my CS at Int (RTC). I was also required by Miscavige to write reports on the content of every session I delivered during that period and send them directly to Miscavige. I was told by him that he needed to know because recovering Tom to Scientology was the most important mission possible.”

“I have recently learned from a very reliable witness that DM [David Miscavige] regularly held court with others in his personal lounge in the roadside Villas at the Int [International Scientology] base, and while sipping scotch whiskey at the end of the night, Miscavige would read Tom’s overts and withholds from my reports to others, joking and laughing about the content of Tom’s confessions. My witness is unimpeachable in my eyes as his account contains too many accurate details from someone who had zero reason (or ability) for being anywhere near Tom’s folders, videos and reports direct to DM.”

Rathbun did not say what the confessions involved and have not been disclosed. Hmmm, somehow I cannot get upset at this. Only a giggle comes out when I envision what those confessions could involve.

Katie Holmes Being Forced To Have Baby

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Katie Holmes is spending increasingly more time at the Scientology center reportedly undergoing Scientology ‘auditing,’ sparking rumors that she’s ‘being prepared’ for her second baby with nut-job husband Tom Cruise, this according to Star Magazine.

Per Celebitchy:

Star gives us some clues about the story on the cover. Katie is apparently going to be getting pregnant for the second time “against her will”… Star’s headlines continue: Katie’s “prenatal Scientology sessions” and “agonizing detox” and “Tom tightens the leash”.

The gossip rag continues on to say that Katie spent four hours at the Hollywood Scientology Centre last week, and might be doing this because she’s getting “prepped” to have another child, with sources swearing that Holmes followed the exact same course of action right before getting pregnant with daughter Suri. According to a website run by the Church of Scientology, followers believe the “health and the sanity of the child begin long before birth.” Scientology auditing is used to restore self confidence, happiness and spiritual freedom and involves answering questions or following directions with the aim of being freed from unwanted barriers that inhibit natural ability.

Good luck to her..I honestly believe Tom is incapable of producing children. 4 hours you say? How long does in “in vitro” implant procedure take? About 4 hours start to finish? Hmmm. How nice for them, though. I’d like to send a gift… Do they sell tin foil hats at Babies-R-Us?

Jennifer Lopez has Hissy-Fit Birthday

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Here’s a little bit of advice – if you ever are lucky enough to receive an invitation to any kind of party from Jennifer Lopez, by all means please make sure you arrive on time! Lopez, who entered the shindig to Sarah Vaughan’s “Whatever Lola Wants,” re-claimed her spot at the top of the Diva-List during a surprise 40th birthday bash this weekend when she “threw a fit” and became visibly upset and embarrassed at the guests who were arriving late.

Per NY Daily News:

“Jennifer’s party was very intimate, and there were a noticeable amount of empty seats when the dinner started. Jennifer was really irritated. She was fuming because people were late, and complained about it really loudly to Marc,” said one partygoers. “Javier Munoz was the only person who gave advance notice that he was going to be late, because he was doing a show on Saturday night. But the others had no excuse. Being late is the height of rudeness, and guests were still arriving at midnight.”

Midnight? You can bet little miss ‘Jenny from the block’ was none too pleased about this! Singer Alicia Keys and boyfriend Swiss Beats were among the late attendees – so I wouldn’t count on an invite for them next time! Lopez was also said to be upset over best friends Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes not attending – instead, they reportedly were too busy hanging out with David and Victoria Beckham. Oooooo sick burn!

Despite her childish behavior, Lopez managed to put her big girl panties back on and she and her guests made the most out of the evening, drinking champagne and partying until after 4am. Husband Marc Anthony even got up on stage to sing his wife a song in Spanish, which had her bursting into happy tears.

Aw, how sweet *gags* Hmmm… No mention on if bff and fellow Scientologist Leah Remini attended…

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Image Via: Bauer Griffin

Tom Cruise’s Valkyrie Premiere Picketed – Photos

Tom Cruise’s latest paycheck is suffering at the hands of critics. Poor reviews have the Nazi based film “Valkyrie” suffering comments like “laughable.” Tom’s performance is also said to be “feeble.”

To add salt to the wound, Tom refuses to do outdoor red carpet premieres and doesn’t even make an effort to say “hi’ to what is left of his fan base. He left hundreds of loyal Cruise fans out in the cold for both his New York and L.A. premier. Tom refused to do a meet and greet, let alone sign autographs. Instead he sneaks into press tents through underground tunnels and back doors. It has been reported that fans waited hours just to get a peek at him only to leave disappointed.

The main cause for his snub? Picketers. Tom had brought his allegiance of Scientology friends with him to the film premiere. Jenna and Bohdi Elfman, Priscilla Presley, and “Young and the Restless” actress Michelle Stafford all had nothing to do with the film but came “in support” of their leader. The masses fighting the cult also showed up. Protestors of the cult walked the event with signs and wearing masks.

I am not even going to touch the subject of religion. I believe in mass quantities of vodka and worship every Sunday at IHOP. So what ever religion that fits…..has my devotion.

Images Via: Splash