Tiger Woods Divorce: Elin Nordegren $750 Million Settlement

I suddenly don’t feel so bad for Elin Nordegren as she is owning Tiger Woods and his massive fortune. Sure, he is a big ol’ slut and likes a rough trick, but she is about to be rich…like Oprah rich.

The divorce details are spewing out over the net and Elin has played her cards well. Tiger will not be allowed to expose his kids to his whore parade and can only introduce them to a girlfriend if he marries her. That power also comes with one of the biggest payouts in celebrity divorces…$750 million.

All Elin has to do is keep her mouth shut. Hell, I would skip crying to Ryan Seacrest about Tiger’s penchant for sluts for $20 and some Mint Milano cookies. As long as she doesn’t dish out the details she walks away with a money pit that would rival Scrooge McDuck’s.

“Swedish ex model Nordegren ended up with double the sum she originally sought, after her lawyers proved Woods, 34, was worth much more than the $1billion she thought.

‘Elin’s legal team has done a great job digging up all sorts of assets. The price of the huge sum is her silence: no interviews, tell-all books, or TV appearances about this for the rest of her life — even if Tiger dies first — or she’ll lose the lot. Everything’s signed. Elin is ready to file for divorce at Orlando County Court. She expects to in the next seven days.’”

It is also said that Nordegren will get sole custody of their daughter Sam, three, and son Charlie, one. That agreement will be up for renegotiation in 5 years.

Tiger Woods Masters FULL Press Conference VIDEO

Tiger Woods has hit the Masters course for a practice and then a press conference. Wife Elin Nordegren was noticeably absent (along with her wedding ring in the past few months).

Currently Joslyn James is scheduled to do a press conference of her own following Tiger’s. (Joslyn is the porn star mistress in the Woods’ Whore Parade in case you don’t have your cheater sheet.( Gloria Allred is representing her and claims the press conference will cover what (or should we say who) she will be doing next and contain her reaction to Tiger’s statements.

Gloria will also be throwing in her thoughts on why Tiger shouldn’t be playing in the Masters and whether or not she and her client will attend the golf event…. because porn stars and golf are like peanut butter and jelly???? Good luck with trying to get in ladies. Woods has around 90 armed guards to protect him from any “confrontations” with former crotch-jockeys.

Via NY Daily:

“None of these girls are allowed anywhere near him,” a security guard told the Sunday Mail. “If one photo comes out of a beautiful lady touching him, it would be a disaster.”

Roughly 200 security personnel are typically on hand at the annual tournament in Augusta, Ga. With Woods’ return, an additional 82 private guards will be patrolling the course’s immaculate lawns, sources told the Sunday Mail.

Eight guards will be surrounding Woods “as a last line of defense,” the paper says.

Yet the man wouldn’t wear a condom….

Tiger Woods Press Conference – VIDEOS

As if you didn’t have enough of Tiger Woods kinky trick he is continuing the onslaught with a I’m-Super-Sowwry-Ima-Slut Parade. The shamed golfer did a press conference stating that while he is a role model and idol, his infidelities are a private matter.

[Tiger Woods Press Conference Video]

Tiger Woods’ mother was in the audience, but his wife, Elin Nordegren, notably did NOT attend.

Thoughts?

Tiger Woods Update – Quits Golf, Hired Hookers

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Ok….I know that you have Tiger Woods’ whoreyness coming at you from every angle and Tony the Tiger has even changed his name to Tony the Big Stripy Cat. So here is a brief rundown of what is going down on Tiger: The Slut Parade Project.

*TIGER QUITS GOLF* – Tiger is considering quitting golf at the request of his wifey, Elin Nordegren. She gave him an ultimatum stating: “It’s golf, or me.” DUMB. What ho in her right mind would tell her man to quit making millions of dollars and go work at Big Lots? Send a babysitter with his hongray manhood. I am thinking a 250 pound drag queen nick-named Weave Snatcher.

*TIGER EMPLOYED HOOKERS* – Maybe he has a ‘Pretty Woman’ fetish and hoped that Julia Roberts would be there. Just to recap the level of slut going on…he has supposedly nailed a couple of cocktail waitresses, two hookers, 2 Z-list porn stars, a Las Vegas marketing manager, a manager at Perkins (not joking), a wannabe model, a reality moron and another mystery cougar who hired Gloria Allred. It’s like the 12 Days of Valtrex.

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*BUH-BYE AD DEALS* – So far Gatorade and Tag Heuer have dropped Woods from their advertising campaigns. The non-carbonated sports drink and Swiss watch label have stopped all adverts featuring the disgraced golfer in effort to distance themselves from his sluttery.

*$60,000 THREESOMES* – While he was purchasing prostitutes like discounted portable dvd players on Black Friday, he also paid for group sex. A Hollywood Madam screamed to NY Daily about his purchases. His favorite was a trick named Loredana Jolie. He paid $15K for a night out with her. Then he would habitually shell out $30,000-$40,000 for threesomes while requesting “college-cutie, girl next door” types.

*SANTA CLAUSE TO HOOKERS* The madam continued by stating he was well endowed and would constantly buy his hired escorts presents.

Suddenly I feel like I need to shower with Tilex for the Lord of Hooker Ring has made me feel icky.

Image Via: Dlisted